{whatever will come, we'll rise above}

I stare at the white blog space in front of me thinking how sometime it is my empty canvas awaiting to be filled with the goodness that life holds for me, a space for me to give thanks and praise for the abundant amount of grace I have been provided with; while other times it is a daunting reminder of the unknowns in life, those that have passed and those that are still to come.

I stare at the blinking cursor and the blank page in front of me wondering where I start; how I got here; how I move forward?

I feel the frustration rising in me- at my circumstances, at the fact that I feel lost, at myself for reacting in such a way. It's a cycle I've been repeated for the last couple of days... maybe even weeks if we're being honest.

I can't keep playing this game, going on pretending that everything is peachy and great. I need to be honest. I feel like I'm treading water- not particularly sinking or going anywhere; I'm not even floating, just struggling to stay above water, fighting the ache I feel and gravity, simply trying to hold on to the little bit of hope I have left. But I feel myself ever so slowly letting that hope fade.

How have I gotten here? not just the physical state of here in India but emotionally as well. I'd been doing well, or so I thought. I close my eyes, pleading with myself to hold it together. Asking how I can be so content and frustrated all at the same time. And then as I sit in my pool of angst, dwelling on these feelings I realize that it is myself that got me here.

I've been trying to figure this trip out all on my own. I've been focused on resolving the issues we face. Hating the fact that I feel like I have no purpose, that my days are being wasted. I keep working to fix the mess that we are living in, searching for physical answers and receiving nothing in response. I get angry at the lack of control over the situation we have, or lack of guidance and support from administration, who are supposed to be overseeing our program. I want things to change. I want... that right there I realize as soon as it comes to mind and makes its way to this page is one of the problems.

"not everything is in our hands or in our time" I try and tell myself. I have these expectations of my time here in India, expectations I tried to tell myself not to come in with, but they've happened. And right now I'm feeling let down, left to fend for myself. That even those that are supposed to be helping are providing no assistance. But then I hear it again, that "not everything is in our hands or our time"... I stop and let this soak in, coming to face the facts that even when I have felt like I'm doing nothing to make the matters better, simply letting the frustration fester, I've been trying to do it all on my own. I haven't trusted God to provide because I've been expecting others to come through. I've prayed and asked for provision over aspects of my trip but never really handed the entirety of it over.

I sit on my bed feeling broken over the realization that once again I've gotten caught in my own selfish net. Allowing my wants to consume me. Feeding into my need to obtain the expectations that I've set as my guide for my trip. Letting my tunnel vision of only my wants block out the countless opportunities I let slip away without even a blink of an eye. And then when everything shatters beneath me I end up here- broken, lost, frustrated.

But this time I'm done trying to pick up the pieces. I'm done going through the motions and letting the daily grind of India become normal. I can't keep treading in this water trying to find the positive things in my day only to have the negative overshadow them, feeling as if the water is rising around me. Instead this time I allow myself to be broken. I let me expectations lay scattered around me. And for the first time I trust that I will neither sink nor swim, that I will float. I will give up the fight to make this trip the way I want it to be and simply live in the moment, the way God has created it to be.

I stare at the cursor, blinking, waiting. Waiting for what is to come. The white space beyond staring back at me in expectation. Expectation that whatever will come, we'll rise above, because not everything is in our hands or in our time. And that God has bigger plans and promises. For now that is enough.