{a greater love}

“This world fails. But God persists. He calls from the gate at the start of the narrow road, beckoning us to follow.” –No greater love.

I started and finished a book in the couple of days I’ve been in India called “no greater love”. It is about a man and his family who sells everything they own and move to Ethiopia to work in an orphanage. I was drawn to it at first because of the setting in Ethiopia but it also hit home with my desire to truly work for God’s kingdom- possibly in a different impoverished country someday.

The book also struck some cords for my time here in India, reminding me that God has greater plans for my life than I could ever imagine. India may not be the country I feel called to live in long term but it is the place I will call home for the next 7 weeks, and God will use me during that time if I ask Him to- and why would I not want him to- why would I want to pass up this opportunity to see and experience the heart of God right here in India?!

A part of the book that stood out to me was about how our efforts are not what God needs, it is our brokenness that he wants- that He can use. So I continue to pray to be made beautifully broken before the kingdom of God.

Jesus, would you use me- change me.

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I was broken today as I stood in the pediatric ward with so many sick children surrounding me. I felt helpless and small. All of these children needed so much care and I couldn’t help them- I could only stand there feeling my heart breaking for the pain and suffering they had and were experiencing. I wanted so badly to reach out to them, to touch them, to hold their hands and pray for them- telling them they were loved and it was going to be okay.

And then there was the NICU with babies that didn’t even weigh a pound that I wanted to scoop up in the palms of my hands and pray for nourishmen, for a healthy life and a bright future.

After entering the delivery room to a mother who had given birth only minutes before and a group of doctors surrounding her infant who was blue and lifeless other than the chest that would rise and fall with each squeeze of the ventilating bag I wanted to hide in the corner and cry out to God- how can I go on?

… how can I act as though nothings is wrong in the world when there is a poor child laying in a bed 2 floors down with a hole in his heart large enough to stick my finger in- that will most likely never heal- and at the age of 18 months he barely weighs 16 pounds?

… how can I be any type of emotion that I’ve felt since arriving in India after leaving that lifeless baby on the table?

.... how can I pick up all my own crap when that poor mother has lost a part of her?

… how can I go on when there is so much more?...

But I do pick up my mess, my frustrations and my hurt for these people because I am still human, but that does not mean that the boy with a hole in his heart did not leave a hole in mine, or that I do not carry with me the site of the baby who never really took her first breath, with me all day. My heart physically aches for these small children and infants I saw today. And it is here in my pain and my brokenness that I know I serve a greater God and I am reminded that my life is not my own- that what I have, I have to give. And that to fully live I must experience.

We live in a broken world with pain and sorrow but we can also experience grace and the love of God. We are created for so much more and for that I am thankful.

I was and am made for more!