{musings of india}

It’s the morning of day 4 in India, 7:00am. I’ve been awake for an hour lying in my bed under what I call my hurricane fan, which keeps me at a comfortable temperature. The mornings are actually cool, however my room is perpetually warm and stuffy feeling.  I avoid spending excess amount of time in my bathroom for a couple reasons but mostly because it has no air circulation and I instantly feel the need to shower again after even simply brushing my teeth.

My room is simple with a small twin size bed, that is not long enough for me, a nightstand which now holds a few of my things, my desk which I have attempted to make homey with the one framed picture I brought with me and a cut up water bottle that holds a few flower bouquets that we have received over our visits to various schools in the last couple of days. I also have a counter, kitchen looking area and a closet. My room feels lonely for the most part but I am finally starting to feel comfortable in it; it doesn’t feel as foreign as it did the first couple nights. I wake up many times at night confused where I am, achy as my bed feels like I am sleeping on a piece of plywood with a tiny blanket for a cushion. There is a phone that rings in the hallway multiple times during the night and sometimes in the sleepy stupor I debate going out and unplugging it but instead I switch hips to give the other a rest from the bed or attempt to lay on my stomach only to have my ribs hurt from the lack of cushion. I close my eyes and dream of finding cushions to buy on the busy streets of Loni, tricking myself into believing that my bed is a plush pillow top as I drift back to sleep for another couple of hours.

I wish I could say I leave my struggles behind when I lock my door each morning and step out into the fresh morning Indian air, but that would be a lie. I struggle most days to choke down a little food. Some days are better than others depending on the spiciness of the food or even the texture. I am able to eat a little bit and sometimes I enjoy it. Other times I find myself wanting to make the face of a small child first tasting baby food or a toddler who cringes as they are forced to swallow their food. This morning my stomach is hungry as it is most of the time. I am praying that it shrinks quickly and learns to survive off a small amount of food that I am able to consume at each meal. These thoughts usually make me sad, not for the reason that I will not have tons of food to eat or I do not get to have a Greek yogurt and cereal for breakfast as I wish I could but for the reason that my little bit of starvation or hunger that I feel is nothing compared to so many people in this country and around the world that feel this way every day of their lives and even stronger than I do. My hunger to me sometimes feels like Jesus sending me a message that my life is not always about me even if in the past 4 days I have been caught up in my uncomfortable bed, my hatred of my food and lack of internet access as I wish I could contact home. As I lay in bed hungry this morning knowing that I will be able to have a banana and granola bar from my room I find myself being thankful that I have even small amounts to eat and wishing I could help those who feel this physical need on a daily basis.

India has not been what I have expected. I have expected and prepared myself for poverty, for life in a third world country but something about this trip has been different, more difficult for me. I sadly have spent the last couple days making lists in my head of reasons I am regretting spending 8 weeks of my time here instead of trying to find the positive things I will gain from living life in India. I have not had the best attitude about my situations, getting frustrated over the little things. I know much of this is due to the lack of planning or organization with what we are doing. I knew going in I would have to have a “go with the flow” attitude but I did not realize how difficult that would be for me. Yesterday was a bit of a better day as we finally started our social medicine course work, which sounds like we will be shadowing in different departments on the campus. There was at least a little bit more structure to our day and purpose, which has helped.

As I prepared to get my day started before my feet even hit the ground I silently pray that today will be different that something in me will break. I pray that even in my doubt, frustration and brokenness that Jesus will use me during my time in India in whatever way He pleases. I still believe that He has a purpose for me here, even if that purpose is for me to truly learn how to depend on Him.

My feet slip into my flip-flops, which are astray on the floor beside my bed, and another day in India begins.