{change of heart}

Something has changed. I can feel it. It has been gradual, hard and gentle, quiet and boisterous. But it has occurred. I can feel it when I get out of bed in the morning, while I am walking to breakfast, when I interact with people around me, when I lay in bed at night and when I smile and laugh.

It has been what I have prayed for since landing and even before getting here. to really love being in India. 


When I first arrived, I was hoping to learn to simply survive in India. Within the first couple of days I numbered the days I had left in my planner and told myself that I would be able to do this. And at times I would wonder what I was thinking, coming across the world for 8 weeks.

That person seems so distant. I will admit that times in India have been difficult and there are comforts of home that I miss. I cannot say it has been an easy process learning to truly love life here. It was a challenge with a lot of resistance along the way, but the struggle is part of my story. 

It started with a wake up call, not the gentle soft alarm clock that gradually grows louder- no, it was more of the full strength screaming train alarm clock: I was what was holding myself back from loving my time in India. I had prayed night after night to finally be able to honestly say I was happy I chose to come here and that I was enjoying myself. I told myself early on in the trip that I was going to make the best of my situation. I did not want to waste my time in India disliking it, to realize upon returning home how much I enjoyed it and then miss out on truly living in the opportunities. Or so I thought, I thought I was living with that mentality. But 3 weeks in, after being jolted awake by the alarm clock, I was already frustrated with and regretting the way I had spent a third of my trip. I knew something had to change- that something was me.

I had been praying but not the right prayer. What I prayed for, what I wanted, was different than what my heart needed. I was praying for my circumstances to change, not for a change within me, not for me to change the way I was choosing to live my life here in India. I had it all wrong.

Jugaad, was my first answer to my pleas, a subtle wake up call. Jugaad means to make use of your circumstances; to be innovative with what you are given. It was explained to me in one of the departments I was in, in reference to their lack of physical assistance. But the word echoed in my head and struck a chord in my heart. Again, things around me were not going to change, it was me that had to make the adjustments. 

I was awake now, alert, and my eyes were open. The way of life here had become normal, but I no longer was just going through the motions- I was determined to live life, making to most of what I was given.

Truly living is not easy. I grew tired and weary from the effort such change required. And I would find myself selling myself short, thinking maybe I wasn’t capable of changing. But I continued to pray for direction.

Change is not something that happens overnight, even if you want it to. It is not something you decide one moment and the next it is finished, especially change that involves your character. As much as I try to tell myself this; it is never going to be true. And the more I try to make it truth the more I let myself down or feel as if I’ve failed. Accepting this is fact was where my prayers were answered again. It was words of wisdom that were shared with me in yet another department only a couple days after jugaad. I would not call this a wake up call, but more of a reminder, an arm nudge.


Sometimes I think prayers should be answered with trumpets sounding in the background or with flashing lights, but this answer was through a simple old man sharing advice about life. His main 3 things to live by, that is it. Three things and a simple old man, completely unaware that the knowledge he was sharing was exactly what I needed.

1.     anger is a wasted emotion.

I had been spending too much time being frustrated with myself, angry at others for lack of assistance and angry with my circumstances, all for what? It was not solving anything; it was not getting me anywhere. I was wasting my time and energy. Anger is a wasted emotion. 

1.     live humbly.

I was barely living my own life, let alone living it humbly. I again was caught up in trying to live my life for myself, to my own expectations. He said that those great people did not live their lives as those who thought of themselves as somebody. Who was I? I’d been living subconsciously as if I were someone special, a privileged American. I needed to start living as a nobody, and start living for others, giving more of myself to find more of who I am and how to truly live with the circumstances I was given.

2.     have patience.

I wanted change to happen instantaneously. I was becoming impatient with myself over the fact that I could not change. That I was not fully awake after all of the wake up calls and reminders, prayers, desires and decisions. 

Sometimes we have to accept that we cannot always have a plan and that we have to let go of our expectations to truly start living, let go and breath and allow change to happen. It is not something you can just do, it does not work like a light switch, or a change of clothing. Change is not something we can fully control, speed up or slow down, you just have to let it happen. Let it and allow it. I wish it were easy. It has taken me half of my time here to come to this conclusion, to get to this point. I have gone from counting my days to now learning to make my days count. 

Something has changed. I've changed. My heart has changed.


“isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different…” –c.s. lewis

{mukta = freedom}

the world is a broken place. and the lives we live are very padded in comparison to what many people experience everyday all around the world.

we are unaware of the world around us.

right now though i feel acutely aware of how broken the world is. and i honestly wish i could be an arrogant individual, completely unaware of the world and problems people face, living in my comfortable middle class padded American life. but i can't.

what is a harder truth to accept than the fact that we are unaware of how broken the world is, is one i literally met face to face today, the truth of prostitution. 

today i sat in a brothel. i sat across from 9 women around my age, who sell their bodies to whoever will pay the fee. i drank cola with them as if i was spending time with anyone. i asked them their name, where they were from and how old they were. i conversed with them as if their occupation is no different mine.

but the truth is that their profession- their way of life. the only way they know how to make money to support their relatives at home. the lies of a "business career" they have- is very different than mine.

today i sat in a brothel. i sat across from 9 women. i drank cola with them. i asked them how long they had been in prostitution. i asked them how many men they have as clients during the day&night. i learned their hours were 11am-1am. i conversed with them as men began to accumulate in the courtyard and look in through the barred window at us as if we were animals on display, picking which "one", girl, he would like.

today i sat on a couch in a brothel with the brothel owner, a woman, sitting on the arm of the couch next to me, patting me on the back, smiling at me. i sat there hating this women, but i found myself praying for compassion for her. i sat there angry at her for allowing this whole production to occur. feeling as if i could throw up over the way she could continue to sell these women as if they are nothing, as she herself is a woman. but even in my absolute disgust i knew this woman needed to be loved as well. that my hatred of her would change nothing.

this is a truth. a hard truth that i faced today, but so many women face this each and every day of their lives. this is their profession. their way of life. the only thing they know. i wish i could express the emotion i feel, but i don't feel anything right now. right now i feel hollow. i feel hopeless, helpless. i don't know what to feel because i do not know what emotion is going to make a difference. Crying wont solve anything. anger and hatred won't matter.

i feel hollow, like the women feel. hollow for the lack of love or joy they experience or receive. they are simply used; not even seen or thought of as people that would deserve such emotions. something that should be special and shared with those you love, something that is cherished by so many is given at such a small price. they are hollow- without even knowing it.

this hollow sickens me.

as i keep repeating my day and every interaction i had with these women i think of the word mukta- the name of the organization we worked with, which works to provide health education and screenings for these women. mukta means freedom. but these women are not free. and the organization is not providing them with freedom. freedom would for these women to feel loved, for them to understand that they deserve to be truly loved, appreciated. for them to experience joy. for them to live a life where their profession did not consist of prostitution. where they are defined by and find worth in something besides their body. these women do not experience any of these things. they are used as if they are objects, not human beings capable of, and deserving of such powerful emotions. and again i feel hollow.

i feel hollow over how as i reflect on my day and mukta, i am brought back to the car ride home. with the window of the car rolled down, the cool, stuffy, dirty indian air hitting my face, and the laughter my team shares over some stupid comment or face one of us makes as we leisurely eat bananas. that is freedom. we have freedom. but what makes my inside hurt as i think of this picture of us in the car is the way all of us were stuffing the truths of what we saw deep down inside us. avoiding the it. avoiding the brokenness of the world that we had seen and experienced...

we have freedom. we have mukta. mukta to feel- to feel happy, sad, joy, pain, love, anger, desire and even hollow. we have mukta to be whoever we want, whatever we want and whenever we want. we have mukta to choose to make a difference or live our padded lives unaware of the brokenness of the world.

the world is a broken place. but there is mukta.

{friday 5's}

for those of you that missed the explanation of Friday 5’s last week check it out: {friday fives}

here are my 5 for this week:

1.     A wake up call

·      this isn’t one of my typically cheery Friday 5. I chose it over getting to do education with school children today because even though it was a slap in the face, it has helped me to learn to make the best of my time here and that is utterly the point of Friday 5’s. I feel like I ran into myself this week, stalled on the side of the road, or like I hit a ton of bricks that were my ego built up. I received a wake up call that I might not be making the most of my time here in India or giving it my best effort. It hurt but it was truth. I was frustrated with the situation and myself. However, the wake up call was necessary, a blessing in a way. It has made me really open my eyes and change my attitude. I’ve decided to really start living my life here in India with the little time I have left. So even though my wake up call was brutal I am so glad it happened and has truly started to impact my time here.

2.     Birthday

·      I turned 23 this past week- woot woot, so exciting… not really. I did not have a birthday bash or anything but it was a great day nonetheless. It was perfectly simple. I was able to skype with a bunch of family and friends and really took advantage of celebrating my birthday even longer in the 2 time zones. We went out to eat at a restaurant in Loni and had pizza and fries, which to most probably are not that good but for us as seriously delicious. I was thankful for a little bit of home on my bday. I am thankful for all the well wishes on my birthday from everyone and being able to share it with some great people both together and apart.

3.     Great conversations

·      This week Emily and I have had some great conversations with different people in different departments. We have had the opportunity to share a lot and learn a lot from all the people we have interacted with. We learned lessons of life, talked about practically nothing and had some good laughter with people. I love people and the ability to share about life with each other has been great this week.

4.     Laughter

·      The night of my birthday, Emily and I squeezed onto her twin bed and went through pictures we were both tagged in on Facebook, elapsing the entire 5+ years we’ve known each other. We were laughing so hard over the memories and how some things about our friendship have not changed. We laughed to the point of tears. We have had a couple good nights of laughter this week, where we find just about anything funny and silly. I’ve loved every minute of our ridiculous laughter and the ability to find joy in our lives.

5.     Online shopping

·      I’m a girl and I will admit a bit materialistic. Even living in a developing country for the last almost month one would think that maybe I’ve learned that there is more to life than the outfits I own. But part of being here and having little to do has given me time to look at clothing and things online. Of course when I found a site that sold cheap dresses I had to buy one, or two… plus it was my birthday. I promise I haven’t purchased anything else… well besides a case for my new iphone (which is a birthday gift). Sometimes I have to be a girl and indulge in my unnecessary weakness of shoes and clothing 

I’m thankful for yet another week of 5 great things to remind me of how blessed I am, even while I struggled to make my list. I’d love to hear yours if you’d like to share. I hope you all had a week full of things to make you love your life. Looking forward to what next week holds.

 

{22}

As my 23rd birthday is fast approaching and I've been reflecting on my year being 22, I've decided to come up with a list of 22 things I've been thankful for over the past year. My list is in no particular order, just the way they came to mind, as each of them of them are significant parts of what made my 22nd year of life an amazing one.

My list of 22:

1. Health- this year has been overall a healthy, active year for me. I am thankful for being young and healthy.

2. Finishing up my last year of classes- after 5 years of hard work, studying, exams and enormous amounts of stress I am thankful to be done and embracing the next year of rotations.

3. Franny- even though being a homeowner is difficult at times, my house has brought many blessings this past year. I would be lost without my roommates- they are the best friends/support system I could ask for. I am so thankful for Franny and the life we are able to share there.

4. Emily- I am so thankful for my best friend. This past year we have become inseparable. I am thankful for all the times we were able to share together. I love that we are the same person while completely different at the same time. The bond we share is like no other. I'm excited and sad to see what the next year will hold for us both together and apart.

5. Family- I'm thankful for my family. For the love & support they have given me over the last year. Even in hard times and times of loss we have only grown closer.

6. Shelley (mom) & home- I have been blessed to be mothered by so many amazing women in my life but my connection with Shelley goes much deeper than others. I truly believe that God gave me her when I needed someone the most. I cannot begin to express my thankfulness for such a loving, nurturing, encouraging "mother" and for providing me with a home- where I am free to be me.

7. Yellow house girls/study tables- I am so thankful for the wonderful friendships I have made with Meron, Emily See, and Andrea. These girls are amazing. They make me laugh like no one else can. I am thankful for the outrageous amounts of food we consumed together. Studying wouldn't be the same or any fun without these ladies. I am so thankful for our closeness and will miss them abundantly as life takes us separate and exciting ways.

8. Amy & Matthew- first, I am so thankful I was able to share in their beautiful wedding day, rejoicing in the love they share and the blessings of God. I am so thankful to claim these two as my family. I know that I will always have amazing spiritual parents praying for me and supporting me. I couldn't be where I am today without their love.

9. Urbana- right after Christmas this year I went to a missions conference called Urbana. At urbana I was reminded of my love for the world and my desire to serve God's people in other countries. It was refreshing and frightening to begin to ponder the future and what I want and what it may look like with God's call on my life.

10. Spring break- this year my roommate Megan, Emily and I, along with Carina (Em's little sis) plus 5 of Carina's friends road-tripped it to Redington Shores, FL. It was such a great break, even with the long hours in the car & not so great weather. I am so thankful for the fun and relaxation. I'm still missing the beach and the ocean!

11. Start of rotations- so far rotations have been awesome. Going into them I was really worried and anxious about the whole experience- feeling completely unprepared. But I've been more than pleasantly surprised. I've loves every minute of rotations and have felt encouraged and praised for my abilities. I feel excited for the future and even more rotations to come to be able to learn more and to find where I fit into the world of pharmacy.

12. India- even if India has been hard thus far I am still so thankful for the opportunity to be here. At the end of the day I know that I've been able to see so many interesting things and experienced things I would not be able to in the US. Plus I've met some great people and am learning a lot about myself. Even if I do not end up loving it here, it has helped me to see and be thankful for what I have at home.

13. Community- I am beyond thankful for all the people in my life, from those I see and talk to on a daily or regular basis, to those that are at a distance. I have been blessed with so many amazing people who love, support and encourage me and I do not know what I would do without every single one of them. This past year has been a year that has shown and reminded me of how much these people mean to me and how they have helped me become who I am today.

14. The cabin- I am thankful for my parent's cabin. Even when I get mad that my parents put their time and energy into their cabin instead of helping me with my house, I still love the cabin. I love sitting on the dock reading or on the deck or in my raft floating. I love laying in the hammock, and bonfires with s'mores. I love swimming in the lake and hunting/fishing for rocks. And most of all I love spending simple quality time with family and friends.

15. Running- I love to run, and am grateful I am able to do so- even if it is a shorter distance after my compartment syndrome diagnosis. I am thankful for the ways running has changed my life. I am healthier all around. I am less stressed, able to focus, and a happier person all because I run. I love the exercise as well as the time to myself. I used to think people that love to run were crazy but I totally understand the addiction now.

16. Love- though I wish I was writing this year to say that I found love, I am not, but I have found a different kind of love. This past year I had a conversation with someone very special to me who has spoken truth into my life over the last couple of years. We were talking about loving people and how at times it can be difficult, especially when we love so much and hard and expect the same level of love in return. She said something to me that day that has shifted the way I see myself and love. She explained to me how love is one of my gifts. I have an extraordinary way of giving love in abundance while at the same time easily receiving it. I used to think it was a weakness in many situations. I had never thought of my love for people as a gift but ever since she spoke this truth about my ability to love I am more aware of how blessed I am to have such an amazing gift!

17. Cupcakes- I love cupcakes, but cupcakes are not truly the only thing I am thankful for, even though everything about them are amazing, especially the frosting. Cupcakes are one of my 22 since they make me think of work, at Mercy West Pharmacy. I love the ladies I work with and am so thankful for all the times I've been able to share with them. I am thankful for their support and even thankful for the ways they pick on me because I am an easy target. Cupcakes became our thing this year at work. We literally would find any and every reason for cupcakes. So this year I am thankful for delicious cupcakes and for the ladies I got to share them with. I hope they are having cupcakes in celebration of my birthday even without me.

18. Crafts- I love crafts. I get completely lost in crafting- I could spend hours doing it. For this reason I don't do it very often especially since with school I did not have a whole lot of free time. But I am thankful for the few times I did spend crafting, getting lost in my creativity, letting myself become completely unaware of all the millions of things on my "to-do" list or the things that were stressing me out. I am thankful for being a left and right brained individual.

19. Baking/pinterest. I learned this past year that I really like to bake, thanks to pinterest. I loved trying new recipes and sharing them. I did not do it very often due to time constraints but it was a good break every now and then from the constant busy stressful life of a pharmacy major. So thanks, pinterest!

20. Cello tea (JuJu juice)- Jethro's cello tea & nachos's has become a tradition for Emily and I whenever our close friend Erin comes back to town. I love our Jethro's dates. I love catching up on life over our favorite beverage. It is friendships like these with such great friends that I love. I am thankful that we still laugh to the point of tears and share the good and bad parts of life as if the distance hasn't changed anything at all.

21. Growth- this year has been a year of growth for me. I grew into who God created me to be. Finding peace in who I am called to be and joy in the life I have been given to live. For once in my life I am content being exactly who I am today- completely and truly me.

22. Life- I am thankful of course for my life. For the amazing year that I have had. I am thankful for life both physically and spiritually. I am thankful for the life I live, for a roof over my head, for food to eat and for a heart that is full. I am thankful for the hard times and the amazing ones that are apart of life, molding us into who we are, apart of our identity. I am thankful for all that life entails.

So, here is to turning 23... may the next year be even better than the last. I cannot wait to find out... but for just a little while longer, I'm feeling 22... and thankful!

{friday fives}

Friday fives are something I started doing a couple months back with someone I call my second mom. They were a way for us to find the positive things in our week, finding things to be thankful for in the midst of so many things that do not go our way or things that seemed to bring us down. Friday 5's became our ritual. Some weeks it was difficult to find 5 things that we were thankful for while other weeks we easily listed 5 things off, sometimes even adding to our list.

Our goal was not to simply make it to 5 but to really start to live our lives looking for the positive things, truly enjoying it. It was a way for us to see the beauty of life even in the darkness. And as we continued to hold each other to our friday fives we began to see the good things during the week, truly living and loving them in the moment, making mental notes to remember them at the end of the week so we could enjoy and share the goodness again.

So when things have been difficult here in India and some days Emily and I struggle to find the positive things in the midst of the unknowns and frustrations we decided we would start doing friday fives, hoping that soon we would be finishing our weeks looking forward to reflecting on the many blessings that had been pour down on us during our week, no matter how small they may be. Friday fives are not about the magnitude of greatness but that we find things to love about the life we live. So I encourage you all to reflect on your week, finding the 5 things you are thankful for this week, the things that have been positive (feel free to leave them as a comment if you'd like). And to join me and Emily over the next week, to live your life trying to find those things in the moments, holding on to them, giving thanks for them, and to be able to share next Friday.

Friday 5's for the week:

1. Skype.

• Skype has truly been a blessing for me during my time in India but this week more than anything I have been so thankful for the ability to see and talk to my family and friends. Being able to skype with Shelley this week more than once truly blessed my heart. I really missed talking to my second mom and I needed to be able to let everything out and to have someone encourage me. Plus I was able to see Mimi,  my puppy, who tried to kiss my face on the ipad screen (seriously melted my heart). I was also able to skype with one of my best friends, Mandy, this morning. I miss this girl so much. I was a happy girl again, even though I wish we could have sat in our living room at Franny, when we were able to spend a good hour catching up on each others lives and encouraging each other.

2.  Traveling this past weekend.

• I am so thankful that the 5 of us girls who are here in India with me were able to spend the weekend traveling the near by areas and sites. We were able to see so many amazing things. Plus we were able to have American style food, which should be a 5 on it's own. We spent our time bonding and enjoying our time and India together. 

3.  Miracle of life.

• During my posting in Radiology this week Emily and I stood in during ultrasounds. I had been to an ultrasound of my Godson before and had experienced the amazing opportunity of being able to see the fetus developing within it's mother. However, even as I stood there this week viewing so many babies I couldn't help but be amazed again at the miracle of life with a huge smile on my face. To be able to watch the heart beat and see the tiny little babies fingers and toes was honestly breathtaking. I don't know how anyone could stand where I stood and not be thankful for life. It made me excited to become a mother someday and be able to experience even more joy over this miracle.

4.  Running.

• I went for my first run this week. After not having ran in almost 4 weeks it was brutal but also amazing all at the same time. I love running and all that it entails- even when I felt as if I was going to collapse and die I felt like I was finding a piece of me that I had lost. It is amazing how much running has changed my life, giving me peace and helping me to release my frustrations- which was really why I needed to start running again while here.

5.  Encouragement & support of people in my life.

• After a difficult week with many frustrations I am so thankful for everyone that has supported me and encouraged me. There have been some specific people throughout my week that I have turned to to vent to and to find encouragement from. I truly have been blessed with so many amazing people in my life. I know that I could not be who I am, or where I am without the support, love and encouragement I have received and continue to receive from those around me. At the end of each day, no matter how my day went I closed my eyes being thankful for the people in my life. So for those of you reading this, thank you- I appreciate each and everyone of you!!

{whatever will come, we'll rise above}

I stare at the white blog space in front of me thinking how sometime it is my empty canvas awaiting to be filled with the goodness that life holds for me, a space for me to give thanks and praise for the abundant amount of grace I have been provided with; while other times it is a daunting reminder of the unknowns in life, those that have passed and those that are still to come.

I stare at the blinking cursor and the blank page in front of me wondering where I start; how I got here; how I move forward?

I feel the frustration rising in me- at my circumstances, at the fact that I feel lost, at myself for reacting in such a way. It's a cycle I've been repeated for the last couple of days... maybe even weeks if we're being honest.

I can't keep playing this game, going on pretending that everything is peachy and great. I need to be honest. I feel like I'm treading water- not particularly sinking or going anywhere; I'm not even floating, just struggling to stay above water, fighting the ache I feel and gravity, simply trying to hold on to the little bit of hope I have left. But I feel myself ever so slowly letting that hope fade.

How have I gotten here? not just the physical state of here in India but emotionally as well. I'd been doing well, or so I thought. I close my eyes, pleading with myself to hold it together. Asking how I can be so content and frustrated all at the same time. And then as I sit in my pool of angst, dwelling on these feelings I realize that it is myself that got me here.

I've been trying to figure this trip out all on my own. I've been focused on resolving the issues we face. Hating the fact that I feel like I have no purpose, that my days are being wasted. I keep working to fix the mess that we are living in, searching for physical answers and receiving nothing in response. I get angry at the lack of control over the situation we have, or lack of guidance and support from administration, who are supposed to be overseeing our program. I want things to change. I want... that right there I realize as soon as it comes to mind and makes its way to this page is one of the problems.

"not everything is in our hands or in our time" I try and tell myself. I have these expectations of my time here in India, expectations I tried to tell myself not to come in with, but they've happened. And right now I'm feeling let down, left to fend for myself. That even those that are supposed to be helping are providing no assistance. But then I hear it again, that "not everything is in our hands or our time"... I stop and let this soak in, coming to face the facts that even when I have felt like I'm doing nothing to make the matters better, simply letting the frustration fester, I've been trying to do it all on my own. I haven't trusted God to provide because I've been expecting others to come through. I've prayed and asked for provision over aspects of my trip but never really handed the entirety of it over.

I sit on my bed feeling broken over the realization that once again I've gotten caught in my own selfish net. Allowing my wants to consume me. Feeding into my need to obtain the expectations that I've set as my guide for my trip. Letting my tunnel vision of only my wants block out the countless opportunities I let slip away without even a blink of an eye. And then when everything shatters beneath me I end up here- broken, lost, frustrated.

But this time I'm done trying to pick up the pieces. I'm done going through the motions and letting the daily grind of India become normal. I can't keep treading in this water trying to find the positive things in my day only to have the negative overshadow them, feeling as if the water is rising around me. Instead this time I allow myself to be broken. I let me expectations lay scattered around me. And for the first time I trust that I will neither sink nor swim, that I will float. I will give up the fight to make this trip the way I want it to be and simply live in the moment, the way God has created it to be.

I stare at the cursor, blinking, waiting. Waiting for what is to come. The white space beyond staring back at me in expectation. Expectation that whatever will come, we'll rise above, because not everything is in our hands or in our time. And that God has bigger plans and promises. For now that is enough.

{it's got mountains, it's got rivers, it's got sights to give you shivers}

"i bought a ticket for the long way round. the one with the prettiest of views. it's got mountains, it's got rivers, it's got sights to give you shivers. and it should would've been prettier with you."

This past weekend we took our first trip outside of Loni. We went to the near by city of Aurangabad and some scenic places around the area. It was great to get out of Loni and out of my room. There is not a whole lot to do here; I was starting to become a little stir crazy after being here for 2 weeks and not doing much of anything during the days and then sitting even more at night. The time difference makes it hard to talk to people at home all the time and so I try to find things to occupy myself during the evenings.

Our trip was so much fun. We were able to see some really cool things and we even made it through a couple of the road bumps that we encountered. We were only gone for a night but we filled the 2 days we had out to the max. I'll give you all a little recap of our events.

We left early Saturday morning (6am) and drove 3 hours to our first location of the Ellora Caves. There are a total of 34 caves. We were able to see 1-22 or something like that. Some of the caves required taking a small little vehicle to get to due to some construction on the path (aka fallen rocks). We opted out of seeing all of the caves as we were hot and tired of all the walking, plus we were headed to see more caves at another location. Some of the caves were more ornate than others but overall it was amazing to think that people at some point carved these caves out.

While at Ellora we had our first experience being a white person in India. People were taking our picture left and right as if we were the main attraction. Many people asked to take pictures with us or my favorite was when we asked a guy to take our picture, he said yes and then walked away. We assumed that he did not understand until he all of a sudden appeared with a bunch of his family and friends. They lined up with him with their own cameras and literally took our picture... I snapped a picture of them taking our picture. I now have a slight idea of what it feels like to live in a zoo or be a celebrity who has paparazzi follow them around.

Our next stop of was the Ajanta caves. These caves were carved into the side of a mountain. We were able to see almost all of the caves. These caves were more preserved. Many of them still have parts of the murals that had been painted on the walls and ceilings. We were required to remove our shoes for each of the caves and were not allowed to use flash photography. The caves were at least lit a little bit with lights to allow us to see the details of the carvings and paintings. They were amazing. Again we were hot and sweaty after all of the walking and stairs.

We headed into Aurangabad after eating at a restaurant at the Ajanta caves. It was our first time eating off of campus. The food was actually really good and not very spicy. Once we made it to Aurangabad we checked into our hotel which was a challenge since none of us brought our passports which little known to us was required to stay. Luckily they let us stay anyways. Our hotel was very nice. We had an american style meal (which was SO good) and then headed to beds in actual comfortable beds.

Sunday morning we started early again going first to the Bibi Ka Maqbara, the mini taj mahal. This was also very cool. It was so intricate and ornate. It was built by the son of the man who built the Taj Mahal as a replica in memory of his wife. Her body still lies in it, and some people throw down offerings to her corpse... which is super weird.

After the mini taj we headed to the Daulatabad fort. It is a bunch of old ruins or forts. You start at the base of the mountain working your way through the various forts build during different times climbing all the way to the top, about 200m high. Let me tell you, it was not a day to forget my inhaler. With the altitude and the uncountable number of stairs we took by the time we made it to the top we were exhausted. The view at the top was amazing though, totally worth the climb. Coming back down was a bit of a challenge as well as some of the stairs were steep or crumbling. So glad we did it and got our exercise though.

We decided we were done with our calorie burning activities for the weekend and headed to the Prozone Mall. It is an american style mall. We did a bunch of shopping and then hit the food court for some food. We ate at KFC, which was very similar to American food, Thank God! We did a little bit more shopping purchasing Indian style clothing that we would wear back home, got some ice cream from Baskin Robin's and jumped back in the car for the 3 hour drive home.

By the time we had it home, I was exhausted and wanted to shower. I am so glad that we were able to take our trip, and having a weekend filled with many Americanized things was fabulous, little pieces of home. We were able to see some amazing things!


Here are a few pics. You can see more here:  Aurangabad weekend pics

{bats eat bugs. they don't eat people}

"bats eat bugs. they don't eat people. bats eat bugs. they don't fly in your hair.

bats eat bugs. they eat insects for dinner. that's why they're flying up there"   

 I have been singing this song for the past 2 days. It is a song I learned at Camp Hertko Hollow right before coming to India. It is a silly camp song that we sang one of our first nights at camp around the camp fire. I started singing it again this past weekend when we were doing some hiking through bat infested caves.

I'd like it to be known that I do not like bats- really I don't much like anything that flies- they creep me out. I've hated them since I was a small child and there was one in my bedroom and that hatred continued as I grew up and they would swoop down towards your head while you were in the pool at night. I know they have a great purpose of eating insects, which are something else I hate, but I would rather live my life avoiding bats. So, this past weekend when we voluntarily went through caves where you could literally smell and hear the bats I had a minor panic attack internally. This is when the camp song popped into my head... I would sing it to myself trying to calm my nerves over the thought that there were most likely bats above my head or right around the corner. It gave me something to focus on besides their screechy cries.

I made it through the cave without any bats in my hair or bites, but I continue to have this song playing on repeat in my head, like a broken record. It is a catchy little tune. And I'll admit I kind of like it; it reminds me of the amazing time I had during my week at camp.

I decided pretty early on in Pharmacy school that I was going to pursue a diabetes concentration. Going into the concentration I knew very little about the disease but as my courses have progressed and I have had more experience with it I have learned it is something I am very passionate about. That passion has only grown over the years. While choosing my rotations my top choice that I wanted more than anything was to be able to go to Camp Hertko Hollow. And the day our schedules came out I was ecstatic that I was going to camp.

Camp was even more than I expected. We were fortunate enough to have been approved for a grant this year to be able to use ipads and had an amazing system which allow us electronic medical records for each of our campers. The program was designed by a great guy that I met, Mark Gentry. His program allowed us to document our campers blood sugar readings, their carb amounts, insulin amounts and any type of glucose that was given. It allowed us to see what each of the campers specific insulin and carb ratios were within each of their profiles. It was a great way to communicate with the physicians as well and allowed them to view the trends for our campers throughout the day. Overall I can't say enough about the system, and the developer himself isn't half bad. Things like Mark's company Digital Health, and his program make me excited about diabetes and the ways in which technology is going to help us better treat and control it.

 I met so many great people at camp. I not only loved having the experience with diabetes and getting to use my knowledge and expertise but I think the people I met made my week even better.

I had a blast being able to experience camp life, bonding with my fellow pharmacy classmates as well as my campers. I met some amazing people while at camp; making great connections. Going to camp only makes me more excited for what the future holds. My passion for working with patients with diabetes has only continue to be confirmed through my experiences in Haiti last summer as well as camp this summer. I love being a (soon to be) pharmacist and the ability to be able to help those in need.

So not only did I learn that bats eat bugs and that they don't eat people. I was reminded of how much I have to look forward to and strive for with my future career choice. I already find myself thinking about how I want to go back to Haiti next summer to help with diabetes clinic as well as spend at least another week at camp. It sounds crazy but I think I might have to make both happen.

{running}

i miss running.

i miss everything about it. from the high to being a sweaty hot mess; from to feeling like you are going to die to finally getting past that point and feeling like you could go on forever.

i never would have thought i would say those three words together. i never thought i would be a runner but after a little over 2 years of consistently running it has become part of who i am.

after being diagnosed with compartment syndrome last summer it set me back, limiting me. however i have not let it stop me. i even at this point miss the tightness after running, the need to stretch my muscle. the feeling of accomplishment.

i lay in my bed in india with the cool evening breeze coming in my window and i close my eyes. thinking it would be a great night for a run. i let myself day dream about running my loop at home, my feet hitting the pavement, my breathing finding its rhythm with the motion of my body as i move along the sidewalks and streets.

running is my time. time to process things. to let out my anger and frustrations. time to release my stress. time to be free. it is my time to pray.

running is what keeps me grounded. it is my alternative to medication, that soothes my soul and lifts my spirit.

i feel like i've lost a piece of me over the last couple weeks. and i think sooner rather than later i may need to attempt to find it.

i miss running.

{plastic surgery}

For the last 2 days Emily and I have been posted in the E.N.T. (ear/nose/throat) department. We had been looking forward to this department all week, as the other students with us were able to go see surgeries. I was simply excited for something different than our usual sitting in a corner waiting for someone to explain something. However my excitement got the best of me.

We were brought down to the OT (operation theatre- what they call an operating room in India) right away on our first day and were given scrubs to change into, sandals to wear, hair nets and masks and then ushered into the OT. I was doing okay at first and then I quickly became clammy, feeling sweaty and cold. I stepped out of the room collected myself and attempted to go back in. I was only in the second surgery for a little while, but even before any cutting began when I decided I could not handle surgery. I knew what was coming and even that made me feel sick. I felt sick to my stomach and on the way down the hall to change I thought I was going to black out. I began to tear up while changing back into my clothes to head up to the outpatient department. I was upset with myself for not being able to handle it since I had been looking forward to it all week. My frustrations were eased when about 15 minutes later Emily joined me in the outpatient department unable to make it through surgery either.

The doctor in the outpatient department was very friendly and he talked with us about his first time in the OT as well and how he too felt lightheaded, as if he was floating on a cloud. He gave us some good tips on how to make it through surgery, such as eating a good breakfast, having some sugar to keep our blood glucose levels high, chewing gum and having something to smell, like lotion or perfume on our wrists if the smell of the OT was getting to strong. He really wanted us to be able to experience the operation room and we were determined to make it through.

We both got up this morning with the mindset that we were going to be able to stay through surgery this morning, making sure we ate even before going to breakfast. I even took some meclizine hoping that would keep my stomach at ease and some tums. I packed gum, Swedish fish, almonds and some nice smelling hand sanitizer to help me get through surgery.

It was the same routine once we got to the OT department as the day before, receiving scrubs, a hairnet, mask and some flip flops to wear. We both put on our full garb hoping that today we wouldn’t be making a fool of ourselves having to leave the operating room.

And you will all be happy to know we made it through the entire 3hour surgery!!

There were times in which I was grossed out and I sat down once, more of a precaution to avoid the nausea/lightheadedness from occurring, but for the most part it was such a cool opportunity! It is on the list of one of the best things thus far that has happened on my India trip.

The operating room in the India is much different in the US. We would not be allowed in the OR in America. I was surprised when we went in with open-toed shoes, no gloves on and had not washed our hands, plus I am battling a cold and was still allowed in. The operating room door was left open most of the time and people were in and out constantly. We learned later that there is less concern over postoperative infections in India and that if they were to occur they would most likely not be sued as a doctor would in the U.S.  I was thankful for these differences so I was able to see the surgery up close. Emily and I also became the official photographers of the surgery since the surgeon wanted pictures taken throughout. I was glad that we were able to play some role in the whole process even if it was a small one.

FYI: For those of you who do not want to details of the surgery, I recommend scrolling down to the pictures/skip the next 2 paragraphs- I promise it is not too gory but I can relate to those with a weak stomach so I figure I should warn others out there like me that I’m going to describe the surgery below.

The surgery that we were apart of was for a man how had a very large cancerous tumor on his nose. Basically his entire nose has become this large black bumpy growth. The plastic surgeon removed the growth and then proceeded to cut a section of the man’s forehead to be rotated down to become his nose. At first I thought the plastic surgeon would just take a skin graft of the forehead to cover the nose, but once the tumor was removed and there was pretty much nothing left but the middle cartilage of the nose I realized they would most likely need more than a skin graft. The surgeon literally cut all the way down to the skull of the forehead a shape of the mans nose, which he had traced on an ACE bandage and cut out to be a template for the incision on the forehead. I was amazed by this process and had to ask what they were going to do with the gapping hole on the man’s head. The surgeon laughed a little and proceeded to tell me he would pull the skin back together… this was a bit gross sounding to me and watching it was a little worse. He had to pull the skin up and detach it from the scalp to be able to pull it far enough for the two edges of the hole to meet. All I could think of was this man was going to have a major headache later, while the surgeon joked that the man was also getting a forehead lift.

After the forehead miraculously came together and was stitched (which I also thought was cool since I’ve never seen stitches be given) without surprisingly giving the man a unibrow the skin/muscle graft was rotated down and stitched to the nose. By the end of the whole process I was amazed that the man looked pretty normal, beside the obvious stitches and that he had been bleeding here and there. Part of the graft was left over the bridge of the nose where skin had not been removed. This graft area was not stitched to the face and was wrapped in what I understood was someone else’s skin; the doctor said it was from his skin bank… I have no idea and did not want to ask questions. All I knew was that the skin would work as a biological bandage keeping that graft alive in case they needed to use it for any other type of repair over the next 3 weeks during recover.

So I made it through surgery! I do not think that I want to become and OR pharmacist by any means but I did really enjoy myself. The human body is absolutely fascinating. I am for sure adding this experience to my list of things I have loved about India. Each day I am finding more reasons to enjoy myself. I am thankful for the unique things I have been able to experience while in here.

 all ready to make it through surgery

 The OT room. We stood where Emily is at the head of the patient for most of the surgery.

 our footwear... this would not be allowed in the US.

 Excited and proud that we made it through surgery. loved it.

{laundry #indiastyle}

i've been washing my own laundry for 6 years now, and before that i did laundry for a couple as a second job. i've even washed clothes in a sink in a third world county before. i would say i'm an experienced clothes washer.

i typically dread doing laundry even when i have a washer and dryer and all i have to do is pick a setting, separate the clothes, add some soap and go. but today i was dreading it even more. i've decided i'm not a horrible hand washer but it is not something i enjoy. it was laundry day in india again. we are headed for a trip this weekend so there wouldn't be time then, and i figured i needed clothes for next week that did not stink. and so it became laundry night. it all was going well, none of my clothes were bleeding too bad, things were smelling clean and i was rinsing them much better than my first attempt only 4 days ago. but it all went downhill when i decided to wash my towel. i'm not sure how many more times i'm gonna attempt that in the next 6 weeks.

towels can hold a heck of a lot of water! and trying to rinse it out when you don't want it to touch your nasty shower floor or walls or really anything for that matter, is freaking hard. then you need to try and ring it out... man is that an arm workout. i was literally breaking into a sweat just trying to clean the towel. by the end of it i was sopping went from standing in the shower and the water splashing up. and then i realized the thing to dry me off was in my hands, more wet than i was.

luckily i have a hand towel and after washing myself up i used that to dry myself off. now everything is literally soaking and draped about my room. my fingers are crossed that my towel will dry by morning when i need to shower...

my laundry station