{building blocks}

I’ll be honest, I have been trying to muster up something inspiring and thought worthy for quite some time now. However, every time I open up my “new” document to begin to put my thoughts into words I draw a blank or everything I type doesn’t seem to be what I want and I hit the delete key with quick fierce poundings of my finger. Listening to the clicks as letters and words disappear I let out a frustrated huff and puff and chalking it up to still needing time to process. Pushing the desire to connect and share my “remarkable” thoughts away until they resurface again, clinging to the hope that then I will be able to formulate something worthwhile.

So the other day while rummaging through all my stuff- I’d like to say sift, as that sounds purposeful and organized, however my actions were more of a rummage as I tore through my very unorganized piles- I came across a quote I had written down a while back. As I read the quote that nagging desire I sometimes feel when I know I need to take the time and reflect on my life, when I have something I truly want to put into words to give people an invitation to share with me, crept to the surface again. The quote defined for me what I had been toying with over the last couple of weeks.

It saturated the page in front of me as I read it, causing me to pause in the midst of my chaos. I had been talking to a friend of mine, who is going through a very similar transition in life, about our circumstances. About the unknowns in our futures and about the mixed emotions we feel as we take the leap of faith towards what lies ahead; knowing we are following our dreams while leaving so much of what defines us and our comforts behind. As I offered reassurance all would turn out even better than we could imagine, I still felt the tug of my heartstrings as I thought of leaving my own “home”.

As I have been falling short to formulate something worthy myself to paraphrase my thoughts I am sharing with you all this quote and the ways in which it has spoken to me, and brought peace to this ache, soothing my acutely tender heart.

“Home wasn’t a set house, or a single town on a map. It was where the people who loved you were, whenever you were together. Not a place but a moment, and then another; building on each other like bricks to create a solid shelter that you take with you for your entire life, wherever you may go.”
-Sarah Dessen

I have never been a person good at “goodbyes” or shutting the door of a chapter in life. I have been given an enormous gift of connection. And though I cherish my ability to love people and my heart that beats more for others around me then myself. It is times like now that my tender and malleable heart makes being brave and leaving so much more difficult.

Although this move makes me feel as though I am being sent out into the unknowns of life, exposed to the elements, all on my own in a completely knew environment. I know this is not true, because I have such a strong “home” that I carry with me everywhere I go.

Even after owning my own home I have learned that “home” for me has never been the physical four walls that protect me from the wind, rain and snow. Home for me has always been what is held within those four walls. It is the love that is shared between people, never a single place or address. My home will always be the people I love and moments I was able to share life with them.  Home is not something of my past, only for the present or what I hope to find in my future; it is all of them combined, as my home is always evolving and will continue to grow. And with each new addition I add to the building of my home, I create of with people, I find there is no limit to the size or capacity. I have a sturdy home that I take with me every step of every day.

God has blessed me with many things in my life but my people, my home, are things I cannot even begin to express my immense gratitude for. My building blocks are what define who I am and the person I desire to become. My home may not be the type you would like to buy with all the smooth even walls with exactly measured bricks. It is a mosaic of building blocks, of all different shapes, sizes and colors that come together to create one of the most beautiful, hopeful, inspiring loving homes I could ever imagine. It is filled with love and purpose. It is is not confined to a property of land that I have to pay taxes on or a one particular builder, my home has many contractors, from all walks of life and areas of the world, and no defining limits on space. And the best part of my home is the ability of it to go with me wherever the journey of life takes me.

So, as my soft heart aches with the preparations of leaving and as tears well up in the corner of my eyes at the thoughts of “goodbyes” I turn to this quote and find rest and assurance in the perspective of the people I love going with me, as the foundational building blocks of my home, in the next steps of life. I may be physically leaving home for a short while, growing up, following my dreams and taking on my next adventure, but my true home is and always will be with me, traveling the path of life along side me.

Thank you to all of you who have been and are the building blocks to my home and foundational support. I am so EXTREMELY blessed to be able to share life with each and everyone one of you and loved each of you with such an abundant amount of affection. I have cherished each moment we have spent together and am immensely grateful for the ways you sharing in my home with me has helped shape me into the young women I am today; and has assisted me in growing into the practitioner I dream of becoming. It is because of you, my home, and my people, that I am able to follow my dreams and make the path less difficult. For without each an everyone of you, my home would not be complete, and therefore my life. Each one of you has a distinct space in my heart, in my home, which allows my life to be a exuberant and unique, whole and purposeful. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Many love and blessings, C.

{wade in the water}

There are days when you walk around feeling like you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. Or when you feel as though a two ton elephant is sitting on your chest. That you're sinking in a suffocating sea and you're struggling to stay afloat. Like you can't catch your breath. And there is too much on your plate. 

This is where I am at. How I feel. Like I'm frantically searching for lifesavers, but even the ones I am able to reach can't seem to keep me afloat. I'm slowly drowning. My fear and inadequacies overpowering any glimpse of hope I still clinge to, pulling me further into the depths. 

I lay awake in bed at night trying to calm the sea- to shut my brain off and not worry. to not think of the list of things I need to do or should have done. to not panic- that there are plenty of minutes, trying to tell myself I can and will be able to "do" all that needs to be done. that I am  capable of the things that lie ahead. 

And yet the waters rise above me. 

In these moments I desperately pray that somehow I'll make it because it feels like I've got nothing left to rely on. This is when I realize how much love can hurt; how much I cannot do everything; and painfully true how much I do not have my priorities straight. And then I feel as though I've further failed. 

Treading water in the raging sea has lead to a vicious whirlpool effect, when who I am has become my enemy. The reality of it is that I am sinking because I refuse to give up. I continue to allow my love for others and my desires to help them come before myself and the tasks that must get done. I continue to rely on people and things to support me, to be there and provide for me, and then feel let down, abandoned and frustrated when they fall short of what I expect from them. I've become a tick, sucking the life from a source that is not sustainable. 

Today, I let the waters rise. I felt suffocated. Panicked. Lost and hurt. That the world was too much to bare and I was inadequate to continue on. I "failed" in more ways than one. But the biggest failure I felt was in my lack of believing there was grace for my failures and will continue to be. That my failure to trust God made me more of a failure. I let my failures (past, present and future) define me. 

I'm still treading the viscous content of my life right now. Trying to keep my cool and act like all is well, while inside there is little peace. I wish I could say the "what ifs..." were gone- the what if I fail? what if I am not who everyone thinks I am? what if Im not cut out for all this? etc... I wish I could say I stopped putting my eggs in the wrong baskets. I wish I could say I gave up and trusted God's provision over my life- relying on him, instead of soley on others. But I can't say any of these things. Sometimes that's all we can do. Admit our defeat. Own up to where we are. And take one step at a time. I can't always be crossing the finish line, with perfect timing. Sometimes I have to walk the hills and sit in the valleys because the distance home is farther and steeper than anticipated. Sometimes I can't do it all- and that's when I learn I'm not meant to. But giving up is hard. 

This is where I am at. Overwhelmed and tired, sitting in the valley, battling the cycle I've found myself in. Learning that love isn't always easy- that sometimes my love can be my curse. Slowly realizing failure isn't an open wound it's simply a bruise. I'm trying to give up my fight.  To trust the "I am" instead of "what if" and ultimately reprioritize my life, putting God first to allow the rest to fall into place. finding the one lifesaver that saves everytime. I'm simply wading in the waters. 

{living a Nicholas Sparks novel}

Moving to North Carolina to many, and myself included makes me picture myself living within the pages of a Nicholas Sparks novel, falling in love in the southern summer heat with a young gentleman while walking the beach, fingers entwined together.

I'm a typical girl who dreams of her knight in shining armor. The man that will wisk me off of my feet, who will share my passions, support me and journey through life with me. Though I'd like to dream these things were right around the corner, or as Pocahontas would say- around the riverbend, my life is not centered around the desire to meet the man of my dreams, at least right here, right now. 

I've heard it many of times before, the "you're gonna meet an attractive doctor", or "you're gonna fall in love and end up staying in North Carolina, raising children". While I am not a fortune teller or psychic and I won't disregard these comments. I find myself rolling my eyes at them every so often. 

My moving to NC is not to live a Nicholas Sparks romance story. My goal in life at this moment is not to devour the personal ads. I am contently single. 

In a society that propagates the need to have a significant other to be complete I stand out as the grey duck. I am not the girl that has dreamed of her wedding since as far back as I could remember. Now, that does not mean that I do not enjoy "Friday brideday" on TLC or look forward to that special day. But it is not something that consumes my every thought. 

I'll admit. Some of my hesitation in believing the words I hear about finding love in NC is due to my own insecurities. I am a very strong, independent woman. I know who I am and am comfortable in my own skin. However, the thought that someone would take interest in me is sometimes a hard concept for me to grasp. Maybe it's hard for me to believe that someone would fall for me because it has been so long since I have truly experienced that rush of another persons affections. Or maybe I'm just modest. Maybe the thought of someone breaking down my walls and truly seeing me frightens me. Whatever my reasoning, it is slightly tainted. It is time for me to start living my life believing I am worthy of love, and open to the possibility. 

I want to fall deeply, passionately in love. To share love with someone and grow old with them. I want nothing more than to be a mom someday. But I do not feel rushed to begin that journey. I do not feel pressured to meet those expectations, even with many peoples inquiries and predictions. For now I'm gonna tell my own Sparks story- and maybe the sparks will be of falling in love with a man, or maybe it will be a place or finding a path to follow my passion. That's the beauty of life, a life rooted in the Father's love, is that I do not need to search far and wide, through shelves upon shelves of books for my "Nicholas Sparks novel", I have peace in knowing that I am able to live my own story and content to know I will be provided with my desires and amazing things in time, good time. 

For now my North Carolina story may not consist of the same passion most women crave within the pages of their Nicholas Sparks novel. I am okay with who I am, with the life I lead, not dependent on a man or lost in the daydream of finding my prince, knowing what I want, praying for my future and  open to possibilities. 

{leave the door open a crack, please!?}

Like a small child after being tucked tightly into their beds, I have lately felt the urge, as this chapter in my life is coming to a close, to sit up quickly as the door is being shut and say in a desperate soft pleading voice “leave the door open a crack, please!?”.

As I process all of the impending changes, I hear the people around me says with such enthusiasm... "this is only the end of this chapter and the beginning of the next, and there is so much goodness awaiting me". Garnishing this transition. I hear these things and know it is true. But my heart feels heavy because for me it does not feel as simple as turning a page to start the next chapter. I picture a hard covered book being shut with a large “CLASP”, and a plume of dust rising up. More of a finality than a transition.

I knew my postgraduation choices involved the possibility of me having to move. However, when the final answer to where my future was taking me came, it came as a bit of a shock. I was ecstatic thinking of the opportunity to go somewhere new; to begin my next adventure. I never in those moments took a step back or looked at the move from the other side- the side of having to leave where I am now, the people I call family, my community, where I know who I am.

I am not ready for an ending, for this chapter to be finished, for the door to close. Even as a small child I remember being afraid of dying, the thought of not continuing to share life with people, or being present any longer. A very similar fear, knot in my stomach, and tightness of my chest happens when I envision living in NC and leaving my home in the Midwest. It is the latter of the two that cause tears to collect along the rims of my eyelids and cause me the most anxiety. I think of the life I am leaving and all that I will not be present for- the first steps of my favorite little man, birthday parties for all the little kiddos so dear to me, weddings of close friends, new homes and possible expansions of families, to being here to support close friends when the are going through a hard time or celebrate great accomplishments and exciting news, and even the simple mundane in and outs of everyday life.

“it is not the fear of moving on that scares me, it is the fear of never going back. They never told us just how much it would cost to choose in life. They never told us that even though you can move on from certain things, it may in turn cost you your heart. “mary kate teske

So, as this door to this part of my life is being closed, and my choices are causing my heart to ache, I desire more than anything to cry out to keep the door open crack. I am not ready for the door to completely close. I want this chapter in my life to continue into the next. For the light of the past to shine into the unknown darkness of the future. I want parts of my life now to trickle in and become apart of my life to come; to come along with me for the ride. I am not ready for this chapter to be finished, or as I picture it, the book to close; or the door to shut- even if many more are to be opened or the next chapter will be better than the last. I am not scared of the moving, of the new beginnings, of finding my place and making a new home; I am afraid of the endings, of the door being closed and the inability of life to ever to be the same.

Like a small child, after being tucked into my comfortable bed, I feel myself frantically sitting up, clinging to my safety blanket and calling out with a plea, to “please, leave the door open a crack”…

{from a dream to reality: the journey awaits}

It has been a roller coaster of emotions, of peaks and valleys, of tears and excitement, of triumph and disappointment. I've learned and grown so much more than I expected from it all, but I am pleased to come out on the other side of the process and be able to say I will be completing a Post graduate year 1 (PGY1) community residency with ambulatory care focus next year at New Hanover Regional Medical Center in Wilmington, NC. Deciding to pursue a residency, as difficult as that decision alone was, in the long run looking back was a piece of cake compared to the other hurdles I had to jump and mountains I had to scale. As it is all said and done, I am so thankful for the chance to follow my dream and be one step closer to the pharmacy practitioner I hope to become. 

As I have been preparing for this next chapter in my life I have had a particular song playing on my itunes, "the glow". The lyrics from the song are below. Though it may be a Disney princess song, it describes my heart and my journey through the entire residency process, from the wish and a dream to being carried away, to finding my strength and being surprised at where it has all taken me.

When you feel like you're ready to go. Somewhere you've never been. Make a wish and the dream in you grows. Shining as bright as day. Carrying you far away

The story begins with the light in your heart. A fantasy, dream and a spark. Once you believe you are ready to shine. Bright as the world's every known. You are the glow

Look around take in all that you see. You just might be surprised. A world of enchantment and pure majesty. You'll be discovering. The person that you're meant to be

Feel your strength, you can face the world. Believe every day, everything is possible. A magical journey awaits

I'm still processing the whole move and the excitement of the adventure paired with deep sadness in leaving my "home" of Des Moines, and the people who have become my family. But I know that God has great plans for me, and the upcoming year only holds so many more great opportunities and chances to follow my dreams. I know that no matter where I go I will continue to be blessed as I have been now, even in the middle of the hardest times, when it doesn't seem like there could be a light at the end of the tunnel. I believe that my home will always be where my people are, where my family is- those I am related to through genetics and those who have become apart of my family and who I am, those who mean the world to me. No matter how far I may roam or where my adventures may take me, these people will always be with me. I am ready for the journey that awaits me in North Carolina knowing that I have the most amazing support system behind me every step of the way. 

{when it rains, it pours}

Today I lived the phrase people say that "when it rains, it pours". Today it poured, raining cats & dogs (sadly not men), a downpour of sorts, the pelting your face sideways rain, on the verge of hail type of pour. And I was stuck in the midst of the storm, being drench by the mishap around me while adding to the precipitation with the alligator tears streaming down my face and puddling on my lap. 

I felt like I took the leap off the cliff and instead of landing on safe ground I was thrown into quick sand and was struggling to stay ahead of my sinking surroundings. 

But with every storm there comes a rainbow. And today I might not have made it through my storm without that rainbow reminding me that there was hope at the end of the storm. Shedding light on the situation as it spread across the sky, lifting my spirits and changing the outlook of the storm. 

I learned today that even when it pours, rain is necessary for growth. Today, I learned I am stronger than I thought, even in my low points. That I am persistent and willing to stand out the storm in hope for the clearing of the skies at the end. Sometimes rain is necessary to wash away the old and make way for the fresh new start. So, even though today it rained, or more accurately poured, I stuck it out- hanging on to the precious rainbow, allowing myself to grow and embracing the fact that this is the beginning of my new start. For good things come to those who wait; and that there are some things, which can only be learned in a storm. 

{faith. trust. & pixie dust}

I used to believe that Neverland was only for children who wished to stay young forever, to never growing up, and living in their imaginations forever. However, today I believe a little bit of faith, trust and pixie dust are for all ages, young and old.

I have found myself the last couple of weeks admiring two precious little girls while they play in their own little worlds, getting lost in their enchanted imaginations. The innocence of their thoughts reaching in whichever direction their brain takes them next, without limitations. To these girls the world is their canvas, and time is theirs- to dream, to create a world of their own, to discover, and to share vulnerably with one another their thoughts and desires.

As I sit drifting on my own cloud, watching the girls play, or sing their little hearts out to their Disney princess songs, I begin to feel a smirk curling up around the edges of my lips. Oh what it was like to be a child, when nothing seemed to stop you or hold you back. When life itself seemed simple, yet magical. When did I lose this feeling? It is almost as if their world seems lightyears away from mine, or we are separated by a film- by the title of "adulthood".

What I would give to be young again, exuberant and passionate, with joy bursting at its seams to escape in my smile and laughter, and allowing my imagination to explore the endless infinity of its ability. When I believed faith, trust and a little bit of pixie dust could take me anywhere I wished or could dream up. When I could become the president, an astronaut, nurse, doctor, teacher, author, or a mommy. Where the sky was the limit and even that couldn't hold me down.

Yet, as I consider all of these things, even today, the sky and beyond will always be my limit. Even as adults we too, deep down, are still those young children who believe in magic, the tooth fairy, Santa Clause and in true love.

Though I find it hard to summon the imagination these girls possess, it isn't because I am incapable of such whimsy, it is more of the matter that as adults we lose our sense of adventure. we live under the stipulation in which time is of the essence and the pretense that our doings must have a purpose.

As adults we build walls of knowledge and foundations of reasonings. But what if we tore down these walls. What if we too sat and let our minds wander? What if we threw all the formalities of life out the window, for even a few minutes? What would the world look like then?

I wonder this as I watch the girls play with their dolls... what does the world look like to them? I believe as adults we need to learn to let go, relax, and sit down and play. We get caught up in the mundane tasks of our days, the ins and outs, the to do lists. The world is filled with whimsy and wonder, with beautiful things around every corner that we miss, or walk past, blinded by within our own worlds, with our mind set on the goal instead of fully appreciating the journey.

Take the time to slow down. Find your Neverland and rekindle the glow of your inner child. Let your imagination soar and your fantasy awaken. Dream the dreams you wish, and let your heart guide you. Imagine what we could be capable of if we truly let our selves aspire to our dreams and believed we could do and/or become anything we wished. Envisioning a world we create, our Neverland here and now.

It is time we again have faith in the unknowns, in ourselves and our futures, in our dreams and desires, and the power of love. Trust, in others, in our abilities, in the future and in the journey. It is time we believe in a little pixie dust, in our hopes, and we find the whimsy in our lives. So we would find the glow within us and let it shine. Granting our stories to begin once again with the light in our hearts, and the wish of our dreams.

It is time we believe faith, trust and a little bit of pixie dust could take us anywhere we wish or can dream of.

Do you believe in fairies?