{wade in the water}

There are days when you walk around feeling like you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. Or when you feel as though a two ton elephant is sitting on your chest. That you're sinking in a suffocating sea and you're struggling to stay afloat. Like you can't catch your breath. And there is too much on your plate. 

This is where I am at. How I feel. Like I'm frantically searching for lifesavers, but even the ones I am able to reach can't seem to keep me afloat. I'm slowly drowning. My fear and inadequacies overpowering any glimpse of hope I still clinge to, pulling me further into the depths. 

I lay awake in bed at night trying to calm the sea- to shut my brain off and not worry. to not think of the list of things I need to do or should have done. to not panic- that there are plenty of minutes, trying to tell myself I can and will be able to "do" all that needs to be done. that I am  capable of the things that lie ahead. 

And yet the waters rise above me. 

In these moments I desperately pray that somehow I'll make it because it feels like I've got nothing left to rely on. This is when I realize how much love can hurt; how much I cannot do everything; and painfully true how much I do not have my priorities straight. And then I feel as though I've further failed. 

Treading water in the raging sea has lead to a vicious whirlpool effect, when who I am has become my enemy. The reality of it is that I am sinking because I refuse to give up. I continue to allow my love for others and my desires to help them come before myself and the tasks that must get done. I continue to rely on people and things to support me, to be there and provide for me, and then feel let down, abandoned and frustrated when they fall short of what I expect from them. I've become a tick, sucking the life from a source that is not sustainable. 

Today, I let the waters rise. I felt suffocated. Panicked. Lost and hurt. That the world was too much to bare and I was inadequate to continue on. I "failed" in more ways than one. But the biggest failure I felt was in my lack of believing there was grace for my failures and will continue to be. That my failure to trust God made me more of a failure. I let my failures (past, present and future) define me. 

I'm still treading the viscous content of my life right now. Trying to keep my cool and act like all is well, while inside there is little peace. I wish I could say the "what ifs..." were gone- the what if I fail? what if I am not who everyone thinks I am? what if Im not cut out for all this? etc... I wish I could say I stopped putting my eggs in the wrong baskets. I wish I could say I gave up and trusted God's provision over my life- relying on him, instead of soley on others. But I can't say any of these things. Sometimes that's all we can do. Admit our defeat. Own up to where we are. And take one step at a time. I can't always be crossing the finish line, with perfect timing. Sometimes I have to walk the hills and sit in the valleys because the distance home is farther and steeper than anticipated. Sometimes I can't do it all- and that's when I learn I'm not meant to. But giving up is hard. 

This is where I am at. Overwhelmed and tired, sitting in the valley, battling the cycle I've found myself in. Learning that love isn't always easy- that sometimes my love can be my curse. Slowly realizing failure isn't an open wound it's simply a bruise. I'm trying to give up my fight.  To trust the "I am" instead of "what if" and ultimately reprioritize my life, putting God first to allow the rest to fall into place. finding the one lifesaver that saves everytime. I'm simply wading in the waters.