Like a small child after being tucked tightly into their beds, I have lately felt the urge, as this chapter in my life is coming to a close, to sit up quickly as the door is being shut and say in a desperate soft pleading voice “leave the door open a crack, please!?”.
As I process all of the impending changes, I hear the people around me says with such enthusiasm... "this is only the end of this chapter and the beginning of the next, and there is so much goodness awaiting me". Garnishing this transition. I hear these things and know it is true. But my heart feels heavy because for me it does not feel as simple as turning a page to start the next chapter. I picture a hard covered book being shut with a large “CLASP”, and a plume of dust rising up. More of a finality than a transition.
I knew my postgraduation choices involved the possibility of me having to move. However, when the final answer to where my future was taking me came, it came as a bit of a shock. I was ecstatic thinking of the opportunity to go somewhere new; to begin my next adventure. I never in those moments took a step back or looked at the move from the other side- the side of having to leave where I am now, the people I call family, my community, where I know who I am.
I am not ready for an ending, for this chapter to be finished, for the door to close. Even as a small child I remember being afraid of dying, the thought of not continuing to share life with people, or being present any longer. A very similar fear, knot in my stomach, and tightness of my chest happens when I envision living in NC and leaving my home in the Midwest. It is the latter of the two that cause tears to collect along the rims of my eyelids and cause me the most anxiety. I think of the life I am leaving and all that I will not be present for- the first steps of my favorite little man, birthday parties for all the little kiddos so dear to me, weddings of close friends, new homes and possible expansions of families, to being here to support close friends when the are going through a hard time or celebrate great accomplishments and exciting news, and even the simple mundane in and outs of everyday life.
“it is not the fear of moving on that scares me, it is the fear of never going back. They never told us just how much it would cost to choose in life. They never told us that even though you can move on from certain things, it may in turn cost you your heart. “mary kate teske
So, as this door to this part of my life is being closed, and my choices are causing my heart to ache, I desire more than anything to cry out to keep the door open crack. I am not ready for the door to completely close. I want this chapter in my life to continue into the next. For the light of the past to shine into the unknown darkness of the future. I want parts of my life now to trickle in and become apart of my life to come; to come along with me for the ride. I am not ready for this chapter to be finished, or as I picture it, the book to close; or the door to shut- even if many more are to be opened or the next chapter will be better than the last. I am not scared of the moving, of the new beginnings, of finding my place and making a new home; I am afraid of the endings, of the door being closed and the inability of life to ever to be the same.
Like a small child, after being tucked into my comfortable bed, I feel myself frantically sitting up, clinging to my safety blanket and calling out with a plea, to “please, leave the door open a crack”…
No comments:
Post a Comment