{Facetime #blessed}

I hate to admit that one of my blessing this week was technology but it is the truth. I love my iPhone and the ability to FaceTime with all of my loved ones back home. I love being able to spend time with 'my people' to ask them about their days and see their expressions as they tell me about all of their exciting adventures. FaceTime has been a blessing allowing me to be present from afar. I was able to FaceTime with a few of my favorite crazy kiddos this week, making faces with them, hearing about the first couple days of school and blowing kisses goodnight as they headed off to bed. It is the little moments like these that remind me how blessed I am to have such amazing people in my life and for the opportunity to stay connected with them in such a unique way- thank you technology and FaceTime!

{30 days of being #blessed}

{the bestest of friends #blessed}

Earlier this week I was having a downright 'bad' day. The kind when nothing seems to be going right. When all you want to do is hide or give up but that wouldn't solve anything. So, I called my best friend. Though she has a million of things on her own plate and is learning to be a resident herself in Missouri, going through her own transition she was there to listen as I cried on the other end of the phone. She has been a blessing over the last 6 years of my life and I cannot thank God enough for allowing us to become the bestest of friends. I am also thankful that even with being hundreds of miles apart we are able to be there for each other and still share life together- both the good and the bad.

"when you're the best of friends,

sharing all that you discover,

when these moments have past,

will this friendship last?

who can say?

oh I hope,

I hope it never ends,

'cause you're the best of friends!"

I love you, Emily Hanson and miss you like crazy. Thank you for being my blessing... ALWAYS!

{30 days of being #blessed}

{30 day #blessed challenge}

Lately I’ve been a bit stressed- to the point that I am losing hair like it is my second job; thank God I have a lot of it! I have been running ramped trying to get things done. Making “to-do” lists that end with ‘on to next list’ or that physically never seem to end- I have post-its everywhere with things to remember.

My life has become a “to-do” list with me making small check boxes to cross off.

I get up in the morning, check

Pack lunch, check

Go to work, check

Make my to do list, check 

Check my email (~800 times/day), check

Remember to smile, check.

check, check, check…

A couple months ago my ‘little sisters’ began making their own checklists on post-its just as their mom and I do. Their lists sounded much like what my life has become: wake up, get dressed, eat breakfast, comb hair, brush teeth, shoes and backpacks, bus, etc. It motivated them to get ready for a while and we found it cute how much they felt the need to stick to their “list”, checking off as they went through their routine. But the problem is, if we live our lives as a list to be checked off, are we actually living it?       

More often than not, I’m simply checking off my list, going through my motions, getting from point A to point B. I’m living off of a post-it/notebook/planner, constantly check boxes. I’ve been bombarded by ‘lists’ and not truly living between the tasks.

With my stress level skyrocketing, and learning to juggle all of my new responsibilities I’ve decided I’m going to make a different kind of “to-do” list. The idea has been lingering for a while now. However, the other day I realized how much I need this new ‘checklist’. It was a usual crazy day and I was running into the breakroom to grab my lunch and inhale it in 10 minutes while doing at least 2 other things, of course, when one of the maintenance staff asked how my day was. I responded with ‘it’s been good, crazy though’. It was a short conversation; lasting roughly the 2.5 minutes while heating my lean cuisine I had packed for lunch that day- I was even too busy to cut up ingredients for a salad that morning. But what struck me as I left for my office was what she said to me as I walked out of the room- “I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayer, miss. It’ll all work out”. I didn’t divulge my frustrations, anxiety or worry on her. I simply said it was a crazy day.  But she told me exactly what I needed to hear in that moment. I walked away thinking “blessed”.

It has become the thing to do now, add hashtags (pound signs, number signs, whatever you’d prefer to classify them as) to just about everything. And I know there is some #100happydays or #100joyfulday challenge. But I’ve decided upon my own challenge. It is not going to be about happy days. It is going to be about finding the blessings in life. Because I believe that even in my chaos my day should begin and end with the hashtag ‘blessed’. It is about the coworker who gets you out of your office after 11.5 hours at work, the card in the mail from your best friend, or the FaceTime date with your family.

Too often I have tunnel vision on the one task at hand and I miss out on my life literally going on without me. But it is not always missing the big picture either. There are times when I am overwhelmed by the daunting dark cloud of everything on my “list” that I fail to see the little glimpse of light that breaks through. Blessings do not always come as big packages wrapped in flashy colored paper with bows and ribbon. Sometimes they are moments, a blink in time, an ordinary thing we take for granted.

So, I am starting a new mini series on my challenge to find the #blessed moments in my days. I gave it a 30-day period because small steps turn into large steps and hopefully become a constant. I honestly cannot guarantee a frequency of how often I will post due to time limits, but part of this challenge is for me to make the time and see the blessings in my days.

I challenge you to join me over the next 30 days to find your #blessed moments, people, things, adventures, reminders and so on.

May you always be #blessed, check.

{building blocks}

I’ll be honest, I have been trying to muster up something inspiring and thought worthy for quite some time now. However, every time I open up my “new” document to begin to put my thoughts into words I draw a blank or everything I type doesn’t seem to be what I want and I hit the delete key with quick fierce poundings of my finger. Listening to the clicks as letters and words disappear I let out a frustrated huff and puff and chalking it up to still needing time to process. Pushing the desire to connect and share my “remarkable” thoughts away until they resurface again, clinging to the hope that then I will be able to formulate something worthwhile.

So the other day while rummaging through all my stuff- I’d like to say sift, as that sounds purposeful and organized, however my actions were more of a rummage as I tore through my very unorganized piles- I came across a quote I had written down a while back. As I read the quote that nagging desire I sometimes feel when I know I need to take the time and reflect on my life, when I have something I truly want to put into words to give people an invitation to share with me, crept to the surface again. The quote defined for me what I had been toying with over the last couple of weeks.

It saturated the page in front of me as I read it, causing me to pause in the midst of my chaos. I had been talking to a friend of mine, who is going through a very similar transition in life, about our circumstances. About the unknowns in our futures and about the mixed emotions we feel as we take the leap of faith towards what lies ahead; knowing we are following our dreams while leaving so much of what defines us and our comforts behind. As I offered reassurance all would turn out even better than we could imagine, I still felt the tug of my heartstrings as I thought of leaving my own “home”.

As I have been falling short to formulate something worthy myself to paraphrase my thoughts I am sharing with you all this quote and the ways in which it has spoken to me, and brought peace to this ache, soothing my acutely tender heart.

“Home wasn’t a set house, or a single town on a map. It was where the people who loved you were, whenever you were together. Not a place but a moment, and then another; building on each other like bricks to create a solid shelter that you take with you for your entire life, wherever you may go.”
-Sarah Dessen

I have never been a person good at “goodbyes” or shutting the door of a chapter in life. I have been given an enormous gift of connection. And though I cherish my ability to love people and my heart that beats more for others around me then myself. It is times like now that my tender and malleable heart makes being brave and leaving so much more difficult.

Although this move makes me feel as though I am being sent out into the unknowns of life, exposed to the elements, all on my own in a completely knew environment. I know this is not true, because I have such a strong “home” that I carry with me everywhere I go.

Even after owning my own home I have learned that “home” for me has never been the physical four walls that protect me from the wind, rain and snow. Home for me has always been what is held within those four walls. It is the love that is shared between people, never a single place or address. My home will always be the people I love and moments I was able to share life with them.  Home is not something of my past, only for the present or what I hope to find in my future; it is all of them combined, as my home is always evolving and will continue to grow. And with each new addition I add to the building of my home, I create of with people, I find there is no limit to the size or capacity. I have a sturdy home that I take with me every step of every day.

God has blessed me with many things in my life but my people, my home, are things I cannot even begin to express my immense gratitude for. My building blocks are what define who I am and the person I desire to become. My home may not be the type you would like to buy with all the smooth even walls with exactly measured bricks. It is a mosaic of building blocks, of all different shapes, sizes and colors that come together to create one of the most beautiful, hopeful, inspiring loving homes I could ever imagine. It is filled with love and purpose. It is is not confined to a property of land that I have to pay taxes on or a one particular builder, my home has many contractors, from all walks of life and areas of the world, and no defining limits on space. And the best part of my home is the ability of it to go with me wherever the journey of life takes me.

So, as my soft heart aches with the preparations of leaving and as tears well up in the corner of my eyes at the thoughts of “goodbyes” I turn to this quote and find rest and assurance in the perspective of the people I love going with me, as the foundational building blocks of my home, in the next steps of life. I may be physically leaving home for a short while, growing up, following my dreams and taking on my next adventure, but my true home is and always will be with me, traveling the path of life along side me.

Thank you to all of you who have been and are the building blocks to my home and foundational support. I am so EXTREMELY blessed to be able to share life with each and everyone one of you and loved each of you with such an abundant amount of affection. I have cherished each moment we have spent together and am immensely grateful for the ways you sharing in my home with me has helped shape me into the young women I am today; and has assisted me in growing into the practitioner I dream of becoming. It is because of you, my home, and my people, that I am able to follow my dreams and make the path less difficult. For without each an everyone of you, my home would not be complete, and therefore my life. Each one of you has a distinct space in my heart, in my home, which allows my life to be a exuberant and unique, whole and purposeful. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Many love and blessings, C.

{wade in the water}

There are days when you walk around feeling like you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. Or when you feel as though a two ton elephant is sitting on your chest. That you're sinking in a suffocating sea and you're struggling to stay afloat. Like you can't catch your breath. And there is too much on your plate. 

This is where I am at. How I feel. Like I'm frantically searching for lifesavers, but even the ones I am able to reach can't seem to keep me afloat. I'm slowly drowning. My fear and inadequacies overpowering any glimpse of hope I still clinge to, pulling me further into the depths. 

I lay awake in bed at night trying to calm the sea- to shut my brain off and not worry. to not think of the list of things I need to do or should have done. to not panic- that there are plenty of minutes, trying to tell myself I can and will be able to "do" all that needs to be done. that I am  capable of the things that lie ahead. 

And yet the waters rise above me. 

In these moments I desperately pray that somehow I'll make it because it feels like I've got nothing left to rely on. This is when I realize how much love can hurt; how much I cannot do everything; and painfully true how much I do not have my priorities straight. And then I feel as though I've further failed. 

Treading water in the raging sea has lead to a vicious whirlpool effect, when who I am has become my enemy. The reality of it is that I am sinking because I refuse to give up. I continue to allow my love for others and my desires to help them come before myself and the tasks that must get done. I continue to rely on people and things to support me, to be there and provide for me, and then feel let down, abandoned and frustrated when they fall short of what I expect from them. I've become a tick, sucking the life from a source that is not sustainable. 

Today, I let the waters rise. I felt suffocated. Panicked. Lost and hurt. That the world was too much to bare and I was inadequate to continue on. I "failed" in more ways than one. But the biggest failure I felt was in my lack of believing there was grace for my failures and will continue to be. That my failure to trust God made me more of a failure. I let my failures (past, present and future) define me. 

I'm still treading the viscous content of my life right now. Trying to keep my cool and act like all is well, while inside there is little peace. I wish I could say the "what ifs..." were gone- the what if I fail? what if I am not who everyone thinks I am? what if Im not cut out for all this? etc... I wish I could say I stopped putting my eggs in the wrong baskets. I wish I could say I gave up and trusted God's provision over my life- relying on him, instead of soley on others. But I can't say any of these things. Sometimes that's all we can do. Admit our defeat. Own up to where we are. And take one step at a time. I can't always be crossing the finish line, with perfect timing. Sometimes I have to walk the hills and sit in the valleys because the distance home is farther and steeper than anticipated. Sometimes I can't do it all- and that's when I learn I'm not meant to. But giving up is hard. 

This is where I am at. Overwhelmed and tired, sitting in the valley, battling the cycle I've found myself in. Learning that love isn't always easy- that sometimes my love can be my curse. Slowly realizing failure isn't an open wound it's simply a bruise. I'm trying to give up my fight.  To trust the "I am" instead of "what if" and ultimately reprioritize my life, putting God first to allow the rest to fall into place. finding the one lifesaver that saves everytime. I'm simply wading in the waters. 

{living a Nicholas Sparks novel}

Moving to North Carolina to many, and myself included makes me picture myself living within the pages of a Nicholas Sparks novel, falling in love in the southern summer heat with a young gentleman while walking the beach, fingers entwined together.

I'm a typical girl who dreams of her knight in shining armor. The man that will wisk me off of my feet, who will share my passions, support me and journey through life with me. Though I'd like to dream these things were right around the corner, or as Pocahontas would say- around the riverbend, my life is not centered around the desire to meet the man of my dreams, at least right here, right now. 

I've heard it many of times before, the "you're gonna meet an attractive doctor", or "you're gonna fall in love and end up staying in North Carolina, raising children". While I am not a fortune teller or psychic and I won't disregard these comments. I find myself rolling my eyes at them every so often. 

My moving to NC is not to live a Nicholas Sparks romance story. My goal in life at this moment is not to devour the personal ads. I am contently single. 

In a society that propagates the need to have a significant other to be complete I stand out as the grey duck. I am not the girl that has dreamed of her wedding since as far back as I could remember. Now, that does not mean that I do not enjoy "Friday brideday" on TLC or look forward to that special day. But it is not something that consumes my every thought. 

I'll admit. Some of my hesitation in believing the words I hear about finding love in NC is due to my own insecurities. I am a very strong, independent woman. I know who I am and am comfortable in my own skin. However, the thought that someone would take interest in me is sometimes a hard concept for me to grasp. Maybe it's hard for me to believe that someone would fall for me because it has been so long since I have truly experienced that rush of another persons affections. Or maybe I'm just modest. Maybe the thought of someone breaking down my walls and truly seeing me frightens me. Whatever my reasoning, it is slightly tainted. It is time for me to start living my life believing I am worthy of love, and open to the possibility. 

I want to fall deeply, passionately in love. To share love with someone and grow old with them. I want nothing more than to be a mom someday. But I do not feel rushed to begin that journey. I do not feel pressured to meet those expectations, even with many peoples inquiries and predictions. For now I'm gonna tell my own Sparks story- and maybe the sparks will be of falling in love with a man, or maybe it will be a place or finding a path to follow my passion. That's the beauty of life, a life rooted in the Father's love, is that I do not need to search far and wide, through shelves upon shelves of books for my "Nicholas Sparks novel", I have peace in knowing that I am able to live my own story and content to know I will be provided with my desires and amazing things in time, good time. 

For now my North Carolina story may not consist of the same passion most women crave within the pages of their Nicholas Sparks novel. I am okay with who I am, with the life I lead, not dependent on a man or lost in the daydream of finding my prince, knowing what I want, praying for my future and  open to possibilities. 

{leave the door open a crack, please!?}

Like a small child after being tucked tightly into their beds, I have lately felt the urge, as this chapter in my life is coming to a close, to sit up quickly as the door is being shut and say in a desperate soft pleading voice “leave the door open a crack, please!?”.

As I process all of the impending changes, I hear the people around me says with such enthusiasm... "this is only the end of this chapter and the beginning of the next, and there is so much goodness awaiting me". Garnishing this transition. I hear these things and know it is true. But my heart feels heavy because for me it does not feel as simple as turning a page to start the next chapter. I picture a hard covered book being shut with a large “CLASP”, and a plume of dust rising up. More of a finality than a transition.

I knew my postgraduation choices involved the possibility of me having to move. However, when the final answer to where my future was taking me came, it came as a bit of a shock. I was ecstatic thinking of the opportunity to go somewhere new; to begin my next adventure. I never in those moments took a step back or looked at the move from the other side- the side of having to leave where I am now, the people I call family, my community, where I know who I am.

I am not ready for an ending, for this chapter to be finished, for the door to close. Even as a small child I remember being afraid of dying, the thought of not continuing to share life with people, or being present any longer. A very similar fear, knot in my stomach, and tightness of my chest happens when I envision living in NC and leaving my home in the Midwest. It is the latter of the two that cause tears to collect along the rims of my eyelids and cause me the most anxiety. I think of the life I am leaving and all that I will not be present for- the first steps of my favorite little man, birthday parties for all the little kiddos so dear to me, weddings of close friends, new homes and possible expansions of families, to being here to support close friends when the are going through a hard time or celebrate great accomplishments and exciting news, and even the simple mundane in and outs of everyday life.

“it is not the fear of moving on that scares me, it is the fear of never going back. They never told us just how much it would cost to choose in life. They never told us that even though you can move on from certain things, it may in turn cost you your heart. “mary kate teske

So, as this door to this part of my life is being closed, and my choices are causing my heart to ache, I desire more than anything to cry out to keep the door open crack. I am not ready for the door to completely close. I want this chapter in my life to continue into the next. For the light of the past to shine into the unknown darkness of the future. I want parts of my life now to trickle in and become apart of my life to come; to come along with me for the ride. I am not ready for this chapter to be finished, or as I picture it, the book to close; or the door to shut- even if many more are to be opened or the next chapter will be better than the last. I am not scared of the moving, of the new beginnings, of finding my place and making a new home; I am afraid of the endings, of the door being closed and the inability of life to ever to be the same.

Like a small child, after being tucked into my comfortable bed, I feel myself frantically sitting up, clinging to my safety blanket and calling out with a plea, to “please, leave the door open a crack”…