{laundry #indiastyle}

i've been washing my own laundry for 6 years now, and before that i did laundry for a couple as a second job. i've even washed clothes in a sink in a third world county before. i would say i'm an experienced clothes washer.

i typically dread doing laundry even when i have a washer and dryer and all i have to do is pick a setting, separate the clothes, add some soap and go. but today i was dreading it even more. i've decided i'm not a horrible hand washer but it is not something i enjoy. it was laundry day in india again. we are headed for a trip this weekend so there wouldn't be time then, and i figured i needed clothes for next week that did not stink. and so it became laundry night. it all was going well, none of my clothes were bleeding too bad, things were smelling clean and i was rinsing them much better than my first attempt only 4 days ago. but it all went downhill when i decided to wash my towel. i'm not sure how many more times i'm gonna attempt that in the next 6 weeks.

towels can hold a heck of a lot of water! and trying to rinse it out when you don't want it to touch your nasty shower floor or walls or really anything for that matter, is freaking hard. then you need to try and ring it out... man is that an arm workout. i was literally breaking into a sweat just trying to clean the towel. by the end of it i was sopping went from standing in the shower and the water splashing up. and then i realized the thing to dry me off was in my hands, more wet than i was.

luckily i have a hand towel and after washing myself up i used that to dry myself off. now everything is literally soaking and draped about my room. my fingers are crossed that my towel will dry by morning when i need to shower...

my laundry station

{a greater love}

“This world fails. But God persists. He calls from the gate at the start of the narrow road, beckoning us to follow.” –No greater love.

I started and finished a book in the couple of days I’ve been in India called “no greater love”. It is about a man and his family who sells everything they own and move to Ethiopia to work in an orphanage. I was drawn to it at first because of the setting in Ethiopia but it also hit home with my desire to truly work for God’s kingdom- possibly in a different impoverished country someday.

The book also struck some cords for my time here in India, reminding me that God has greater plans for my life than I could ever imagine. India may not be the country I feel called to live in long term but it is the place I will call home for the next 7 weeks, and God will use me during that time if I ask Him to- and why would I not want him to- why would I want to pass up this opportunity to see and experience the heart of God right here in India?!

A part of the book that stood out to me was about how our efforts are not what God needs, it is our brokenness that he wants- that He can use. So I continue to pray to be made beautifully broken before the kingdom of God.

Jesus, would you use me- change me.

________________________________________________________________________________________________

I was broken today as I stood in the pediatric ward with so many sick children surrounding me. I felt helpless and small. All of these children needed so much care and I couldn’t help them- I could only stand there feeling my heart breaking for the pain and suffering they had and were experiencing. I wanted so badly to reach out to them, to touch them, to hold their hands and pray for them- telling them they were loved and it was going to be okay.

And then there was the NICU with babies that didn’t even weigh a pound that I wanted to scoop up in the palms of my hands and pray for nourishmen, for a healthy life and a bright future.

After entering the delivery room to a mother who had given birth only minutes before and a group of doctors surrounding her infant who was blue and lifeless other than the chest that would rise and fall with each squeeze of the ventilating bag I wanted to hide in the corner and cry out to God- how can I go on?

… how can I act as though nothings is wrong in the world when there is a poor child laying in a bed 2 floors down with a hole in his heart large enough to stick my finger in- that will most likely never heal- and at the age of 18 months he barely weighs 16 pounds?

… how can I be any type of emotion that I’ve felt since arriving in India after leaving that lifeless baby on the table?

.... how can I pick up all my own crap when that poor mother has lost a part of her?

… how can I go on when there is so much more?...

But I do pick up my mess, my frustrations and my hurt for these people because I am still human, but that does not mean that the boy with a hole in his heart did not leave a hole in mine, or that I do not carry with me the site of the baby who never really took her first breath, with me all day. My heart physically aches for these small children and infants I saw today. And it is here in my pain and my brokenness that I know I serve a greater God and I am reminded that my life is not my own- that what I have, I have to give. And that to fully live I must experience.

We live in a broken world with pain and sorrow but we can also experience grace and the love of God. We are created for so much more and for that I am thankful.

I was and am made for more!

{Ophthalmology}

As most of you can guess our first shadow experience was in the ophthalmology department. At first Emily and I were uncertain what we were going to be doing in this department and when asked what we were there for and what we wanted to receive in our couple of days, we both stared at each other with blank stares. We didn’t know much about the eyes other than the general pink-eye or conjunctivitis or glaucoma.

After sitting and observing we determined that the diagnostic test they performed were the same as in the U.S. however the workflow was much different. They had about 6 doctors in one tiny room with multiple patients being seen at once, and each patient by all the doctors at different times. The lights in the room were not off or dimmed and someone would be doing the Snelling (tell the letters) test while at the same time another would be using the microscope to view a patient’s eye and others examining other eyes with flashlights.  They told us they saw about 80-90 patients a day, which I guess isn't that much compared to some other city hospitals! It also amazed me that the residents all did surgeries as well; in the US that would be more of a specialist’s job but to them it was nothing. 

 Snelling chart in Marathi (regional language)

Emily and I did a lot of sitting and observing over our 2 days, asking a few questions here and there but we know very little about the eye and so there was no way for us to even try and help. Plus with a language barrier there was no way that was going to work. At times we would discuss patients’ with the residents, going over what they were diagnosed with and what they were using to treat the issue. There were times during both days that we would become frustrated with standing around, or when we were reading a textbook that meant pretty much nothing to us. But by the end of our time we were enjoying ourselves and made a couple friends, laughing and learning from them.

The resident on our first day was one of my favorites, Dr. Tanvi. I hope to see her more often during our next 7 weeks. She was very nice and spoke very good English. She would ask us questions and give us tips on how to survive in India and things to do. She lives in the same hostel as us and has invited us to her room for tea some time. She was easy to talk with sharing things about her culture and joking with us. I think it was the first time I really laughed while in India. I’m very thankful for meeting her. Even when we were not working with her on our second day she came to find us to make sure we were okay and spent time going over stuff with us. Many of the residents on our second day in the afternoon finally opened up to us and started talking to us. It didn’t take us long to start joking with one another and laughing about things. They even allowed me to examine someone’s eye using a some sort of light apparatus. I was supposed to find the fundus- a spot where all the vessels of the eye come together in the back of the eye. Of course being inexperience I was lucky enough to find a couple blood vessels. The patient smiled with me as I tried to examine her eye.

 Dr. Tanvi between Emily and I was our favorite. 

what I used to examine the patient's eye, and a picture used to explain what I was looking for and it's significance.

One of my favorite parts of my ophthalmology experience beside the viewing of a patient’s eye was when I was able to use the light magnifying machine thing (yes very technical I am as I have no idea what things are called, I believe it is something like the slit light something or another) to view Emily’s eye. It was the coolest thing to see her iris up close and watch the muscles of her pupil constrict and dilate as I moved the light. Our eyes are amazing organs and those who have good vision, corrected or not, are blessed!

 Examining Emily's eye

 Picture of Emily's eye through the microscope. It was so cool

I met a little girl today who was 13 years old. I first noticed her as she sat on the bench all morning waiting to be seen, mostly because I thought she was stunning, with perfect brown skin and a beautiful face. Later in the afternoon I learned she was here being examined for surgery. She has developmental cataracts. I was stunned and asked how such a thing could happen. They know the causes if it is genetic, however she was testing before and they could not determine the cause. I learned that she had surgery in her left eye already and was now able to see, yet her right eye was still bad. The doctor held out his hand to showed me that she would not even be able to see his fingers clearly with her bad eye. I couldn’t stop thinking about this young girl as I sat there being thankful for even my “blind as a bat” eyes. I prayed silently that she would be healed, through the power of Jesus or surgery that she would be able to see the beauty of the world and continue to have healthy eyes. 

isn't she so pretty?!  

Praying for this little one

“Selfishness and complaint pervert the mind, so love with its joy clears and sharpens the vision.” –Helen Keller.

{Lead me day by day}

Saturday was the first day in India when my heart broke. I think I have become accustom to the brokenness of third world countries. Though it pains me to see the poverty, brokenness and dirtiness of the land and it’s people I understand how this is life for them.

It was while at a celebration for a school anniversary on Saturday when I truly felt the pull on my heartstrings. It is a pull I’ve felt before, the one where Jesus is filling me with His love for His people, making me truly see the beauty in those around me. During the program the children of the school stood to sing us a song. The lyrics went something like this…

“Lead me; lead me day by day. Guide me; guide me in your ways. Please forever hold me; hold me in the hollow of your hands”

As they sang this with their hands cupped before them as if they were begging for something anything the tears began to well up in my eyes. I knew at that moment that even in my brokenness, doubt and frustration that I had a purpose here in India. I was reminded of the gift of love; the love I am able to give as well as receive.  In that moment as I closed my eyes and silently prayed that Jesus would forever hold these children in the hollow of his hand, I was reminded of the greatness of the God who created and loves us. I continue to hear that song on repeat in my head and some mornings I find myself singing it, praying that Jesus would not only bless me during my time in India but also use me to share his love for His people. That he would lead me day by day and guide me in His ways

I continue to pray for more moments for my heart to be broken, to break for what breaks the heart of God. To be able to see His people the way he sees them and to love them as they deserved to be loved as children of God. I pray to see the beauty in this place I am learning to call my home for the next 7 weeks.

{India thus far}

I thought I'd give you all an update on my time in India so far.

I guess I should start at the beginning or our crazy travel story. We were supposed to leave for India on 6/29 at around 3:40pm. I had left diabetes camp that morning, rushing home to shower, switch a few things from one bag to another and then headed for the airport. After tearful goodbyes I got in line to get my ticket. The women working at the ticket line were not very nice. My bag was over weight and instead of informing me that I could check another bag they made me pay the $150; I am hopefully getting that money back now. They put us on standby for an earlier flight since they didn’t think we would make our connecting flight in Chicago. Wing another girl on our trip was directly behind me and was told she could not get on our flight. After I argued with the lady for a couple minutes I finally backed down, still letting her know I was not happy. Emily and I went up to our gate to find out our flight was delayed by 2 hours.

We stood in line at the gate desk to ask about our connecting flights. After standing there catching up on our last weeks we finally talked to someone who informed us that we would not make our next flight and there were no flights that would be leaving for Mumbai at any location that we could get on until Monday; we would either be stuck in Des Moines, Chicago or Munich for a couple days. We decided to stay in Des Moines where we at least had places to stay. I called Shelley to come get us. Luckily we were able to get our bags back so we had clothing to wear for the next couple of days. Shelley and Chris took us in for the weekend since all of my stuff had been packed away at my house. I was glad to be able to sleep in a normal bed and catch up on a little bit of sleep. Our weekend at Shelley and Chris’ though not what we planned was really fun. We went to eat and then to the drive in our first night and to the art festival the second day. We helped Shelley clean and I took Emily for a walk around my “second” home’s neighborhood. We grilled out for our last supper in the U.S. It was a relaxing weekend. I was thankful to have a couple more hours at home.

Monday morning came and we said our goodbyes to Shelley again, this time I did not cry (I was proud of myself). After checking in (I checked 2 bags this time) we found out our flight was delayed 45mins. They boarded us in hopes that we would leave. After sitting on the runway for an hour waiting our turn to take off they told us it was going to be another hour before we left. Finally we took off for Newark, a 3 hour flight. We landed in Newark and had about and hour before boarding for Mumbai. We grabbed some food and called people to say our last goodbyes. And then we were off on our 14 hour flight to Mumbai, which we slept most of.

We arrived here Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. As soon as we landed and walked off the plane the wall of humidity hit us- my glasses fogged up instantly. After retrieving our bags we walked out to what felt like a horse carousel where people stood with paper signs with names on them. Luckily Em spotted our names quickly and we were herded towards a parking lot. We loaded our stuff into a vehicle and took off through the streets of Mumbai. It sounds weird but as I sat in the back seat with my window down and the smoggy air hitting my face, with car horns chiming and traffic swerving here and there inches away from each other, with piles of garbage on the streets, stray animals all about, tin shacks and scaffolding made of logs I felt at peace- like I was going to be able to do this. Most people would be panicking taking in short breaths but for me this was what I knew, and felt comfortable in after spending time in Addis Abba and Haiti. I wish that feeling had continued once we left the city and drove into the dark black night.

Our two drivers did not speak much English so that was a little difficult. Em and I dozed off here and there until we would come to a stop. Our drivers would pull over multiple times on the side of the road get out and leave us in the car. This worried me as one of or stops was in an area where a transgender male to female came up to our window cat calling us. Needless to say I did a lot of praying. At one of our stops at about 2 am our drivers decided they needed to eat. Emily and I were not hungry but after 40mins of sitting on the side of the road we needed to relieve ourselves- of course there was no toilet so we grabbed our toilet paper from my backpack and found a spot on the side of the road- thank God I have an amazing best friend who laughs these things off with me. So our adventure in India began only 5 hours after enter the country we were literally popping a squat on the side of the road.

We made it to the campus around 5am and were able to sleep until 8ish. Luckily the others (wing, heather and jill) knocked on our door and invited us to go with them for the day. We showered, changed and met them after breakfast. We ended up going to the office of the man who was supposed to come get us, and we are pretty sure he would not have come if we did not actually go visit him, we would have been stuck in the hostel all day.

The first 2 days were tours or the sugar cane factory, milk producing factory, alcohol factory and then a million schools The sugar cane factory was cool since this has allowed Loni to thrive and provide jobs for it's people. It was interesting how it was self-sufficient and uses all of the byproducts to allow the factory to have energy. The farmers get a fee for their sugar and also byproducts of the manufacturing that is used for fertilizer. I loved how the process was cyclical, helping all aspects of the process.

The tours of the schools was where my attitude really went downhill. I just did not understand the purpose of taking us to all of these different colleges, universities and primary schools in India and especially when we did not go see the college of pharmacy- they did not seem to understand why we would want to see that school. After one day of the school tours I thought I was going to break down, and we still had another. I kept my patience for the most part, but I will admit I was not the best sport or team player.

Friday was our first day of our actual "work". We met with one of the staff to talk about what we will be doing and to see our schedules. I am paired with Emily for the entire time- Thank God! It sounds like for the first 4 weeks we will be shadowing different departments on the campus for 2 days at a time. At the end of each week we write a reflection paper and then at the end we will put together a larger paper with pictures. It sounds like the certificate in social medicine stuff is going to be the same as my rotation work, which is a little sad because I was hoping to have more hands on experiences for my rotations. However, I am still not 100% sure what exactly we are doing so there is still a possibility that we will be doing other work. I guess we will find out as our time here progresses.

Emily and I when we couldn't leave for 2 more days.

 

 Finally leaving... Yes wearing the same thing

 

Children at a School

 English and Marathi at one of the many libraries we toured at our school visits. 

 Looking good in our first Indian outfits.

 Art work from the deaf/blind school

 Blind children's classroom. They taught us how they did math. Jill and Wing got their names pressed in Braille- it was very cool.

 What I attempt to eat most days... or something similar. 

 being a good sport and eating her food from the mess hall.

{musings of india}

It’s the morning of day 4 in India, 7:00am. I’ve been awake for an hour lying in my bed under what I call my hurricane fan, which keeps me at a comfortable temperature. The mornings are actually cool, however my room is perpetually warm and stuffy feeling.  I avoid spending excess amount of time in my bathroom for a couple reasons but mostly because it has no air circulation and I instantly feel the need to shower again after even simply brushing my teeth.

My room is simple with a small twin size bed, that is not long enough for me, a nightstand which now holds a few of my things, my desk which I have attempted to make homey with the one framed picture I brought with me and a cut up water bottle that holds a few flower bouquets that we have received over our visits to various schools in the last couple of days. I also have a counter, kitchen looking area and a closet. My room feels lonely for the most part but I am finally starting to feel comfortable in it; it doesn’t feel as foreign as it did the first couple nights. I wake up many times at night confused where I am, achy as my bed feels like I am sleeping on a piece of plywood with a tiny blanket for a cushion. There is a phone that rings in the hallway multiple times during the night and sometimes in the sleepy stupor I debate going out and unplugging it but instead I switch hips to give the other a rest from the bed or attempt to lay on my stomach only to have my ribs hurt from the lack of cushion. I close my eyes and dream of finding cushions to buy on the busy streets of Loni, tricking myself into believing that my bed is a plush pillow top as I drift back to sleep for another couple of hours.

I wish I could say I leave my struggles behind when I lock my door each morning and step out into the fresh morning Indian air, but that would be a lie. I struggle most days to choke down a little food. Some days are better than others depending on the spiciness of the food or even the texture. I am able to eat a little bit and sometimes I enjoy it. Other times I find myself wanting to make the face of a small child first tasting baby food or a toddler who cringes as they are forced to swallow their food. This morning my stomach is hungry as it is most of the time. I am praying that it shrinks quickly and learns to survive off a small amount of food that I am able to consume at each meal. These thoughts usually make me sad, not for the reason that I will not have tons of food to eat or I do not get to have a Greek yogurt and cereal for breakfast as I wish I could but for the reason that my little bit of starvation or hunger that I feel is nothing compared to so many people in this country and around the world that feel this way every day of their lives and even stronger than I do. My hunger to me sometimes feels like Jesus sending me a message that my life is not always about me even if in the past 4 days I have been caught up in my uncomfortable bed, my hatred of my food and lack of internet access as I wish I could contact home. As I lay in bed hungry this morning knowing that I will be able to have a banana and granola bar from my room I find myself being thankful that I have even small amounts to eat and wishing I could help those who feel this physical need on a daily basis.

India has not been what I have expected. I have expected and prepared myself for poverty, for life in a third world country but something about this trip has been different, more difficult for me. I sadly have spent the last couple days making lists in my head of reasons I am regretting spending 8 weeks of my time here instead of trying to find the positive things I will gain from living life in India. I have not had the best attitude about my situations, getting frustrated over the little things. I know much of this is due to the lack of planning or organization with what we are doing. I knew going in I would have to have a “go with the flow” attitude but I did not realize how difficult that would be for me. Yesterday was a bit of a better day as we finally started our social medicine course work, which sounds like we will be shadowing in different departments on the campus. There was at least a little bit more structure to our day and purpose, which has helped.

As I prepared to get my day started before my feet even hit the ground I silently pray that today will be different that something in me will break. I pray that even in my doubt, frustration and brokenness that Jesus will use me during my time in India in whatever way He pleases. I still believe that He has a purpose for me here, even if that purpose is for me to truly learn how to depend on Him.

My feet slip into my flip-flops, which are astray on the floor beside my bed, and another day in India begins.

{shelley #lovemypeople}

"I've heard it said

That people come into our lives for a reason

Bringing something we must learn

And we are led

To those who help us most to grow

If we let them

And we help them in return.

Well I don't know if I believe that true

But I know I'm who I am today

Because I knew you..."

I have known that God uses people or brings people into our lives but it has been through building my relationship with Shelley that has really allowed me to not only understand this concept but to experience it. I truly believe that Shelley came into my life for a reason.

Shelley has become so much more to me in the past 3 years than a pharmacist, coworker or mentor; she has become a mother to me. And though at times I know I overwhelm her with deeming her as such, I cannot imagine calling her anything else. I've learned that a mother is not always defined as someone who birthed you but someone who teaches you about life, who provides for you, who loves and cares for you, accepts you and encourages you, and someone who helps you to grow into the person you were created to become. 

Looking back I would have never thought 3 years ago that this woman would have such an influence on my life, or play such a vital role in my story. But today, I cannot imagine my life without her. It has been through sharing life with Shelley over the years that I have been taught how to be thankful for what I have been given- I am thankful for health and for family, blood related or not, and for a "home". I have also learned to be thankful for the power of pray, in the good times and bad, through answered prayers and unanswered. 

I would not trade the last couple of years that I have been able to live life with Shelley for anything in the world. I am extremely blessed to have such support and love. She is the person I turn to, confide in and look up to. And though she would roll her eyes at the thought of her being such a person, she is an amazing woman who cares deeply, loves softly and has the ability to impact peoples lives far beyond the surface. She has been there for me through thick and thin, through tears of joy and sadness, through celebrations and sorrows, praising, blessing and supporting me through it all. I could not ask for a better rock to lean on or cheerleader on the sidelines. 

There have been countless hours that I have prayed for this amazing woman; prayers that I could somehow give her back what she has given me over the years. That I could ease her burden, take away her pain, and show her unconditional love and support. She has had such a significant part of shaping who I have become and she will always have a place in my heart, woven into who I am, as my mom.

I cannot wait to share the next seasons of life with Shelley wherever those may be, or whatever they may hold. I hope that someday when I become a mother I am able to share with my children what Shelley has given me by providing a simple example of what love looks like and what it is capable of doing. 

Here is to my "mom", who will forever be a mom to me, apart of who I am. Thank you, for absolutely everything you have done for me. I love you!

"Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good"

#lovemypeople