{Lead me day by day}

Saturday was the first day in India when my heart broke. I think I have become accustom to the brokenness of third world countries. Though it pains me to see the poverty, brokenness and dirtiness of the land and it’s people I understand how this is life for them.

It was while at a celebration for a school anniversary on Saturday when I truly felt the pull on my heartstrings. It is a pull I’ve felt before, the one where Jesus is filling me with His love for His people, making me truly see the beauty in those around me. During the program the children of the school stood to sing us a song. The lyrics went something like this…

“Lead me; lead me day by day. Guide me; guide me in your ways. Please forever hold me; hold me in the hollow of your hands”

As they sang this with their hands cupped before them as if they were begging for something anything the tears began to well up in my eyes. I knew at that moment that even in my brokenness, doubt and frustration that I had a purpose here in India. I was reminded of the gift of love; the love I am able to give as well as receive.  In that moment as I closed my eyes and silently prayed that Jesus would forever hold these children in the hollow of his hand, I was reminded of the greatness of the God who created and loves us. I continue to hear that song on repeat in my head and some mornings I find myself singing it, praying that Jesus would not only bless me during my time in India but also use me to share his love for His people. That he would lead me day by day and guide me in His ways

I continue to pray for more moments for my heart to be broken, to break for what breaks the heart of God. To be able to see His people the way he sees them and to love them as they deserved to be loved as children of God. I pray to see the beauty in this place I am learning to call my home for the next 7 weeks.

{India thus far}

I thought I'd give you all an update on my time in India so far.

I guess I should start at the beginning or our crazy travel story. We were supposed to leave for India on 6/29 at around 3:40pm. I had left diabetes camp that morning, rushing home to shower, switch a few things from one bag to another and then headed for the airport. After tearful goodbyes I got in line to get my ticket. The women working at the ticket line were not very nice. My bag was over weight and instead of informing me that I could check another bag they made me pay the $150; I am hopefully getting that money back now. They put us on standby for an earlier flight since they didn’t think we would make our connecting flight in Chicago. Wing another girl on our trip was directly behind me and was told she could not get on our flight. After I argued with the lady for a couple minutes I finally backed down, still letting her know I was not happy. Emily and I went up to our gate to find out our flight was delayed by 2 hours.

We stood in line at the gate desk to ask about our connecting flights. After standing there catching up on our last weeks we finally talked to someone who informed us that we would not make our next flight and there were no flights that would be leaving for Mumbai at any location that we could get on until Monday; we would either be stuck in Des Moines, Chicago or Munich for a couple days. We decided to stay in Des Moines where we at least had places to stay. I called Shelley to come get us. Luckily we were able to get our bags back so we had clothing to wear for the next couple of days. Shelley and Chris took us in for the weekend since all of my stuff had been packed away at my house. I was glad to be able to sleep in a normal bed and catch up on a little bit of sleep. Our weekend at Shelley and Chris’ though not what we planned was really fun. We went to eat and then to the drive in our first night and to the art festival the second day. We helped Shelley clean and I took Emily for a walk around my “second” home’s neighborhood. We grilled out for our last supper in the U.S. It was a relaxing weekend. I was thankful to have a couple more hours at home.

Monday morning came and we said our goodbyes to Shelley again, this time I did not cry (I was proud of myself). After checking in (I checked 2 bags this time) we found out our flight was delayed 45mins. They boarded us in hopes that we would leave. After sitting on the runway for an hour waiting our turn to take off they told us it was going to be another hour before we left. Finally we took off for Newark, a 3 hour flight. We landed in Newark and had about and hour before boarding for Mumbai. We grabbed some food and called people to say our last goodbyes. And then we were off on our 14 hour flight to Mumbai, which we slept most of.

We arrived here Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. As soon as we landed and walked off the plane the wall of humidity hit us- my glasses fogged up instantly. After retrieving our bags we walked out to what felt like a horse carousel where people stood with paper signs with names on them. Luckily Em spotted our names quickly and we were herded towards a parking lot. We loaded our stuff into a vehicle and took off through the streets of Mumbai. It sounds weird but as I sat in the back seat with my window down and the smoggy air hitting my face, with car horns chiming and traffic swerving here and there inches away from each other, with piles of garbage on the streets, stray animals all about, tin shacks and scaffolding made of logs I felt at peace- like I was going to be able to do this. Most people would be panicking taking in short breaths but for me this was what I knew, and felt comfortable in after spending time in Addis Abba and Haiti. I wish that feeling had continued once we left the city and drove into the dark black night.

Our two drivers did not speak much English so that was a little difficult. Em and I dozed off here and there until we would come to a stop. Our drivers would pull over multiple times on the side of the road get out and leave us in the car. This worried me as one of or stops was in an area where a transgender male to female came up to our window cat calling us. Needless to say I did a lot of praying. At one of our stops at about 2 am our drivers decided they needed to eat. Emily and I were not hungry but after 40mins of sitting on the side of the road we needed to relieve ourselves- of course there was no toilet so we grabbed our toilet paper from my backpack and found a spot on the side of the road- thank God I have an amazing best friend who laughs these things off with me. So our adventure in India began only 5 hours after enter the country we were literally popping a squat on the side of the road.

We made it to the campus around 5am and were able to sleep until 8ish. Luckily the others (wing, heather and jill) knocked on our door and invited us to go with them for the day. We showered, changed and met them after breakfast. We ended up going to the office of the man who was supposed to come get us, and we are pretty sure he would not have come if we did not actually go visit him, we would have been stuck in the hostel all day.

The first 2 days were tours or the sugar cane factory, milk producing factory, alcohol factory and then a million schools The sugar cane factory was cool since this has allowed Loni to thrive and provide jobs for it's people. It was interesting how it was self-sufficient and uses all of the byproducts to allow the factory to have energy. The farmers get a fee for their sugar and also byproducts of the manufacturing that is used for fertilizer. I loved how the process was cyclical, helping all aspects of the process.

The tours of the schools was where my attitude really went downhill. I just did not understand the purpose of taking us to all of these different colleges, universities and primary schools in India and especially when we did not go see the college of pharmacy- they did not seem to understand why we would want to see that school. After one day of the school tours I thought I was going to break down, and we still had another. I kept my patience for the most part, but I will admit I was not the best sport or team player.

Friday was our first day of our actual "work". We met with one of the staff to talk about what we will be doing and to see our schedules. I am paired with Emily for the entire time- Thank God! It sounds like for the first 4 weeks we will be shadowing different departments on the campus for 2 days at a time. At the end of each week we write a reflection paper and then at the end we will put together a larger paper with pictures. It sounds like the certificate in social medicine stuff is going to be the same as my rotation work, which is a little sad because I was hoping to have more hands on experiences for my rotations. However, I am still not 100% sure what exactly we are doing so there is still a possibility that we will be doing other work. I guess we will find out as our time here progresses.

Emily and I when we couldn't leave for 2 more days.

 

 Finally leaving... Yes wearing the same thing

 

Children at a School

 English and Marathi at one of the many libraries we toured at our school visits. 

 Looking good in our first Indian outfits.

 Art work from the deaf/blind school

 Blind children's classroom. They taught us how they did math. Jill and Wing got their names pressed in Braille- it was very cool.

 What I attempt to eat most days... or something similar. 

 being a good sport and eating her food from the mess hall.

{musings of india}

It’s the morning of day 4 in India, 7:00am. I’ve been awake for an hour lying in my bed under what I call my hurricane fan, which keeps me at a comfortable temperature. The mornings are actually cool, however my room is perpetually warm and stuffy feeling.  I avoid spending excess amount of time in my bathroom for a couple reasons but mostly because it has no air circulation and I instantly feel the need to shower again after even simply brushing my teeth.

My room is simple with a small twin size bed, that is not long enough for me, a nightstand which now holds a few of my things, my desk which I have attempted to make homey with the one framed picture I brought with me and a cut up water bottle that holds a few flower bouquets that we have received over our visits to various schools in the last couple of days. I also have a counter, kitchen looking area and a closet. My room feels lonely for the most part but I am finally starting to feel comfortable in it; it doesn’t feel as foreign as it did the first couple nights. I wake up many times at night confused where I am, achy as my bed feels like I am sleeping on a piece of plywood with a tiny blanket for a cushion. There is a phone that rings in the hallway multiple times during the night and sometimes in the sleepy stupor I debate going out and unplugging it but instead I switch hips to give the other a rest from the bed or attempt to lay on my stomach only to have my ribs hurt from the lack of cushion. I close my eyes and dream of finding cushions to buy on the busy streets of Loni, tricking myself into believing that my bed is a plush pillow top as I drift back to sleep for another couple of hours.

I wish I could say I leave my struggles behind when I lock my door each morning and step out into the fresh morning Indian air, but that would be a lie. I struggle most days to choke down a little food. Some days are better than others depending on the spiciness of the food or even the texture. I am able to eat a little bit and sometimes I enjoy it. Other times I find myself wanting to make the face of a small child first tasting baby food or a toddler who cringes as they are forced to swallow their food. This morning my stomach is hungry as it is most of the time. I am praying that it shrinks quickly and learns to survive off a small amount of food that I am able to consume at each meal. These thoughts usually make me sad, not for the reason that I will not have tons of food to eat or I do not get to have a Greek yogurt and cereal for breakfast as I wish I could but for the reason that my little bit of starvation or hunger that I feel is nothing compared to so many people in this country and around the world that feel this way every day of their lives and even stronger than I do. My hunger to me sometimes feels like Jesus sending me a message that my life is not always about me even if in the past 4 days I have been caught up in my uncomfortable bed, my hatred of my food and lack of internet access as I wish I could contact home. As I lay in bed hungry this morning knowing that I will be able to have a banana and granola bar from my room I find myself being thankful that I have even small amounts to eat and wishing I could help those who feel this physical need on a daily basis.

India has not been what I have expected. I have expected and prepared myself for poverty, for life in a third world country but something about this trip has been different, more difficult for me. I sadly have spent the last couple days making lists in my head of reasons I am regretting spending 8 weeks of my time here instead of trying to find the positive things I will gain from living life in India. I have not had the best attitude about my situations, getting frustrated over the little things. I know much of this is due to the lack of planning or organization with what we are doing. I knew going in I would have to have a “go with the flow” attitude but I did not realize how difficult that would be for me. Yesterday was a bit of a better day as we finally started our social medicine course work, which sounds like we will be shadowing in different departments on the campus. There was at least a little bit more structure to our day and purpose, which has helped.

As I prepared to get my day started before my feet even hit the ground I silently pray that today will be different that something in me will break. I pray that even in my doubt, frustration and brokenness that Jesus will use me during my time in India in whatever way He pleases. I still believe that He has a purpose for me here, even if that purpose is for me to truly learn how to depend on Him.

My feet slip into my flip-flops, which are astray on the floor beside my bed, and another day in India begins.

{shelley #lovemypeople}

"I've heard it said

That people come into our lives for a reason

Bringing something we must learn

And we are led

To those who help us most to grow

If we let them

And we help them in return.

Well I don't know if I believe that true

But I know I'm who I am today

Because I knew you..."

I have known that God uses people or brings people into our lives but it has been through building my relationship with Shelley that has really allowed me to not only understand this concept but to experience it. I truly believe that Shelley came into my life for a reason.

Shelley has become so much more to me in the past 3 years than a pharmacist, coworker or mentor; she has become a mother to me. And though at times I know I overwhelm her with deeming her as such, I cannot imagine calling her anything else. I've learned that a mother is not always defined as someone who birthed you but someone who teaches you about life, who provides for you, who loves and cares for you, accepts you and encourages you, and someone who helps you to grow into the person you were created to become. 

Looking back I would have never thought 3 years ago that this woman would have such an influence on my life, or play such a vital role in my story. But today, I cannot imagine my life without her. It has been through sharing life with Shelley over the years that I have been taught how to be thankful for what I have been given- I am thankful for health and for family, blood related or not, and for a "home". I have also learned to be thankful for the power of pray, in the good times and bad, through answered prayers and unanswered. 

I would not trade the last couple of years that I have been able to live life with Shelley for anything in the world. I am extremely blessed to have such support and love. She is the person I turn to, confide in and look up to. And though she would roll her eyes at the thought of her being such a person, she is an amazing woman who cares deeply, loves softly and has the ability to impact peoples lives far beyond the surface. She has been there for me through thick and thin, through tears of joy and sadness, through celebrations and sorrows, praising, blessing and supporting me through it all. I could not ask for a better rock to lean on or cheerleader on the sidelines. 

There have been countless hours that I have prayed for this amazing woman; prayers that I could somehow give her back what she has given me over the years. That I could ease her burden, take away her pain, and show her unconditional love and support. She has had such a significant part of shaping who I have become and she will always have a place in my heart, woven into who I am, as my mom.

I cannot wait to share the next seasons of life with Shelley wherever those may be, or whatever they may hold. I hope that someday when I become a mother I am able to share with my children what Shelley has given me by providing a simple example of what love looks like and what it is capable of doing. 

Here is to my "mom", who will forever be a mom to me, apart of who I am. Thank you, for absolutely everything you have done for me. I love you!

"Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good"

#lovemypeople

{amy #lovemypeople}

It has been 4 years since the picture above was taken. 4 years, I can't believe they have gone by so fast. My life is so much different now than it was when this picture was taken and much of that is because of Amy. Thinking back to when we took the picture in our red coats, I never would have imagined the path our lives have taken us down since then. However, I will forever be grateful for the ways in which we have shared life together.

Amy has become one of my dearest friends over the years I have known her. But more than just a friend Amy has become my spiritual mother. I know without a doubt that my life would be very different today if 4.5 years ago our lives did not intersect. Amy has been an example of who Jesus is in my life from the very beginning of our friendship and she continues to exemplify His love in all that she does. I can remember praying in my desperation and brokenness for someone or something to be Jesus, show me Jesus, teach me what I needed to do and know, and walk with me into the unknown. Little did I know at the time what great plans God had for me and the ways in which His divine intervention worked, because in the middle of my prayers and pleas I was blessed with Amy.

It did not take long for Amy to become my person. The person who would help guide me through life and bring me to Jesus. Amy has been there through all of my junk, hurt, and sloppy brokenness over the last 4 years. And through it all she has been beside me holding my hand, wiping my tears, praying with me and reminding me how the best is always yet to come. She has always had patience and grace even when I become difficult and drag me feet or become deafened from the truth. She is always challenging me and pushing me to strive for more. She never doubts my abilities in all that I do and all that I am capable of doing, or God's abilities to work in and through my life. Amy has opened my eyes to see the world in a new way through her example and honesty within her own spiritual journey. My outlook on myself has been drastically changed through the grace of God's work in my life, much through Amy and her persistance in calling out the goodness and beauty in my life. It is because of Amy's love for me, through the love of Jesus, that I am able to find the goodness in my life daily and to love others. My life has been changed through the work of God in Amy's life in more ways then one, and I will be eternally thankful for her life and the blessing she has been in mine.

I am so thankful for all that we have been able to share in life- from the simple things over coffee, to monumental spiritual milestones, to spending time loving on people in 3rd world countries. And even as time and business have taken over and we have be caught up in our lives more often lately I cherish every moment I get to spend with Amy. I know that even as our time together is fewer and far between she will always have a special place in my life. I have been blessed with such an amazing women who loves me unconditionally, who sees the greatness in my life and challenges me to strive for it; for a women who accepts my faults and praises me for my accomplishments; for a women who loves Jesus with all her heart. I am thankful for her support and encouragement, for her blessing over the woman I have become and her joy over what the future holds for me.

I will forever be thankful for the community and family God has provided me with to help me grow and learn to live in His kingdom. I have learned what love really looks like through living life with Amy. I've learned what a family looks like through all the tears and laughter, and support for one another that we have shared over the years. I wouldn't trade any of these moments for the world. I look forward to sharing many more seasons of life with Amy, continuing to learn and grow in who I am created to be.


Words cannot express how much I love this woman and I don't have enough space to share how many ways in which she has impacted my life. I know, wherever life takes me, Amy will be with me, apart of who I am, woven into my heart, and in prayers encouraging and blessing me on my journey. As she always reminds me the best is yet to come, and I cannot wait to see where and what that will look like for the both of us.

I could not ask for a better mother to provide for me, teach me, bless me and send me into the world.
Here is to my spiritual mom, Amy. I love you so much and always will, xoxo!

#lovemypeople

{yellow house girls #lovemypeople}

aka. my study table girls.

I wish I had more time with each of these girls. And I wish we would have become better friends sooner, but I am still so thankful for each of them and the impact they have had on my life. I am thankful for even the period of time we have been able to spend together.

I am so thankful for yellow house, even in it's smelly state, and all the great memories we have shared together there, studying, eating, taking naps and watching Gilmore Girls. It makes me sad to think there will no longer be time spent between classes on my spot on the couch.

Writing this blog post is hard for me. Part of me knows that our goodbyes are coming soon and apart of me is in denial that in a just a short couple of days our lives are going to change drastically. It is even harder for me because these girls have become my best friends. They are the ones that have been there through the rough and the tough of school. The ones that have celebrated accomplishments with me and helped ease the hard times. These girls make me laugh like no one else can make me laugh. It is around them that I feel comfortable to be completely me, free from all judgement. But I also know it is these 3 will tell me the hard truth if I ever needed to hear it. It is hard for me to think about the future without these girls always present since they are such a large part of my life and who I am now.

{meron}

I am so thankful for this beautiful girl. For her joy and even for her weirdness.

I have absolutely loved every moment I have been able to spend getting to know Meron. And though it has taken us longer than it should have to become friends I am so grateful for her presence in my life. She has become one of my bestest friends. I do not know what I would do without her. I can only hope that no matter where live takes us in our journeys that we will always be apart of each others lives. I hope she knows how much she means to me and how much she has shaped who I have become. Living life with Meron over the last couple years has truly been the time of my life.

To my dearest Meron,

I hope someday that you are able to see the amazing beautiful Meron that I see when I see you. And I hope that you are successful in all that you do- in which I have no doubts that you will be. I pray that wherever life takes you that you will continue to find happiness, joy and peace. That you will never lose your spunk. I also hope you know that I will always be here for you if and when you need me, and that no matter where life takes us you will always be apart of me and have a special place in my heart. Thank you for making college "one of the best times of my life"! I honestly don't know what I would do without you! I love you lots, mom, more than you know! Thank you for simply being you and being such an amazing blessing in my life.

{emily}

I am so thankful for this little whitey. Emily never ceases to amaze me. I used to think she was a quiet little girl and oh have I learned a whole new side of her. I am blessed to call Emily one of my best friends. I am thankful for the almost unspeakable amount of food that we have consumed together during study tables over the last couple years. I am thankful for all the laughter we have shared and the times we have spent living life together.

To Miss Emily,

oh where do I start? First off, I am so thankful that someone else has just as many or more shoes than I do! But on a serious note now, I am so extremely grateful for the time I have spent with you. I can only look forward to many more times in the future even if they are fewer and far between. I know without a doubt that the future hold so many good things for you and I cannot wait to watch you shine as a pharmacist someday. I hope that you will be happy in all that you do. And that no matter how near or far we may end up I will always be there for you! I am so excited for all that your future holds for you! May you always be blessed as you have been a blessing to me. Thank you for everything. Love you, Emily!

{Andrea}

aka. Drell.

I wish I had a picture with this wonderful girl, but going through stuff I realized I have no pictures with just here. Even still Andrea has been an amazing friend over the last couple years. We have shared so many good memories together, laughing, studying and even at times crying. I am so thankful to be able to share life with her and for the impact she has made on my life.

To Drell,

I know you do not like your nickname and I apologize for addressing you as it, but it would not be the same if I did not call you Drell. I want you to know that you are an amazing woman. I hope that you will find happiness in Minnesota someday, since I know that is where you will be. I look forward to watching you continue to grow as your future unravels before you. I know God has great plans for your life and I am excited to be on your sidelines cheering you on. I am so thankful for your life and the ways in which our paths have crossed. You will always be apart of me and I hope you know I will always be here for you. Thank you for being such a good friend. Love you, Drell! 

I love each one of these girl, and am so thankful to be able to share life with them. I have been blessed with a community that has helped me to grow. These girls will forever have a place in my heart because without them I know I would not be who I am today. For that I will forever be grateful for their lives. I feel extremely blessed by such wonderful friends. I cannot even begin to express my gratitude for their lives. As our time together comes to a quick finish and as much as I dread the day we say goodbye, I know that it will never be an official goodbye since these girls have become apart of me and will be with me wherever I go. The tears I shed as I write this are tears of joy over the time I have been able to spend with each of these girls and tears of sadness as this time in our life is coming to a close.

Here is to my study table girls who are more than my study buddies.  

May your futures be bright, and your worries be light on the road ahead.
#lovemypeople

{Emily #lovemypeople)

I have typed and deleted, typed and deleted, and repeated a couple more times trying to figure out how to even start to begin to tell you about my best friend, Emily. It is difficult for me to put into words how much my time spent with Emily over the last 5 years has meant to me. It brings tears to my eyes as I write to think about what the future may hold for us. They are tears of joy and sadness; joy and excitement for I know without a doubt that so much more awaits us in our futures but also tears of sadness over the thought that those times may not be shared with each other physically.

Just the other night the two of us sat in my living room talking about our lives since freshman year up until today, 5 whole years later. We talked about how we are the same and how we are different,; how we have grown and how we have changed. I know as I look back on my time spent at Drake that it would not have been the same without Emily. She has not only has become my best friend over the years; she has become more like my sister. I cannot imagine life without her.

Emily and I have trudged through the trenches of life together, taking curve balls as they are thrown at us.  We have gone through so much together in the last 5 years I can’t even begin to try and recall everything. But through it all Emily has been by my side. We have seen the best and the worst of each other. Shared in each other’s sorrows, pains, and defeats. We have celebrated life together, shared joys and accomplishments. We have encouraged and supported one another. Been there to dry tears and laughed hysterically about absolutely nothing. We have worshipped together and given ourselves to those in need together. We hold each other accountable and are there to guide each other when we need assistance or are a rock for each other when we need somewhere to lean.  

Emily has been there for me through so much. She has been there for the probable gallons of tears that I have cried over the years. Supporting and encouraged me in everything I do. She has been blunt and rational when I become irrational or caught up. She has been my dose of reality when I need it.  

Like any sister or best friend Emily and I have had our differences over the years but I can only say they have brought us closer. She has become my other half. The person I tell everything to, and I mean everything! The person who can make me laugh until I’m crying, my stomach hurts and I’m on the verge of wetting my pants.

As we prepare to both start rotations in just over a week I know that even with the distance Emily will always be apart of me. It has been my time living life with her that I have grown the most, and learned who I am created to be. We have honestly LIVED life together. I can only hope that someday if I ever have a daughter that she will have a best friend like Emily- one that she can learn from and grow with, someone she can laugh with and cry with, someone who she can learn who Jesus is from, and someone to encourage her and love her no matter what.

I am so proud of who Emily has become through the years. It has been an amazing journey to watch her transform and grow, but what makes me even more excited is to see where life will take her. And no matter where that may be, I hope she knows that I will always be with her, cheering her on, and there for her when she needs me.

__________________________________________________________

When you're the best of friends,
Having so much fun together,
You're not even aware you're such a funny pair,
You're the best of friends.

When you're the best of friends,
Sharing all that you discover,
When these moments have passed,
Will that friendship last?
Who can't say there's a way?
Oh I hope,
I hope it never ends,
Cause you're the best of friends.

_____________________________________________________________

I will forever cherish my time physically living life with Emily. And even as these moments pass I know I am blessed to have such an amazing person to be able to share life with for even a period of time.

Here is to my best friend, my other half, the one who knows me better than anyone else, Emily.

I love you SO much, and always will!

 #lovemypeople

From here...

till there... wherever that is, and everywhere in between.