{wade in the water}

There are days when you walk around feeling like you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. Or when you feel as though a two ton elephant is sitting on your chest. That you're sinking in a suffocating sea and you're struggling to stay afloat. Like you can't catch your breath. And there is too much on your plate. 

This is where I am at. How I feel. Like I'm frantically searching for lifesavers, but even the ones I am able to reach can't seem to keep me afloat. I'm slowly drowning. My fear and inadequacies overpowering any glimpse of hope I still clinge to, pulling me further into the depths. 

I lay awake in bed at night trying to calm the sea- to shut my brain off and not worry. to not think of the list of things I need to do or should have done. to not panic- that there are plenty of minutes, trying to tell myself I can and will be able to "do" all that needs to be done. that I am  capable of the things that lie ahead. 

And yet the waters rise above me. 

In these moments I desperately pray that somehow I'll make it because it feels like I've got nothing left to rely on. This is when I realize how much love can hurt; how much I cannot do everything; and painfully true how much I do not have my priorities straight. And then I feel as though I've further failed. 

Treading water in the raging sea has lead to a vicious whirlpool effect, when who I am has become my enemy. The reality of it is that I am sinking because I refuse to give up. I continue to allow my love for others and my desires to help them come before myself and the tasks that must get done. I continue to rely on people and things to support me, to be there and provide for me, and then feel let down, abandoned and frustrated when they fall short of what I expect from them. I've become a tick, sucking the life from a source that is not sustainable. 

Today, I let the waters rise. I felt suffocated. Panicked. Lost and hurt. That the world was too much to bare and I was inadequate to continue on. I "failed" in more ways than one. But the biggest failure I felt was in my lack of believing there was grace for my failures and will continue to be. That my failure to trust God made me more of a failure. I let my failures (past, present and future) define me. 

I'm still treading the viscous content of my life right now. Trying to keep my cool and act like all is well, while inside there is little peace. I wish I could say the "what ifs..." were gone- the what if I fail? what if I am not who everyone thinks I am? what if Im not cut out for all this? etc... I wish I could say I stopped putting my eggs in the wrong baskets. I wish I could say I gave up and trusted God's provision over my life- relying on him, instead of soley on others. But I can't say any of these things. Sometimes that's all we can do. Admit our defeat. Own up to where we are. And take one step at a time. I can't always be crossing the finish line, with perfect timing. Sometimes I have to walk the hills and sit in the valleys because the distance home is farther and steeper than anticipated. Sometimes I can't do it all- and that's when I learn I'm not meant to. But giving up is hard. 

This is where I am at. Overwhelmed and tired, sitting in the valley, battling the cycle I've found myself in. Learning that love isn't always easy- that sometimes my love can be my curse. Slowly realizing failure isn't an open wound it's simply a bruise. I'm trying to give up my fight.  To trust the "I am" instead of "what if" and ultimately reprioritize my life, putting God first to allow the rest to fall into place. finding the one lifesaver that saves everytime. I'm simply wading in the waters. 

{living a Nicholas Sparks novel}

Moving to North Carolina to many, and myself included makes me picture myself living within the pages of a Nicholas Sparks novel, falling in love in the southern summer heat with a young gentleman while walking the beach, fingers entwined together.

I'm a typical girl who dreams of her knight in shining armor. The man that will wisk me off of my feet, who will share my passions, support me and journey through life with me. Though I'd like to dream these things were right around the corner, or as Pocahontas would say- around the riverbend, my life is not centered around the desire to meet the man of my dreams, at least right here, right now. 

I've heard it many of times before, the "you're gonna meet an attractive doctor", or "you're gonna fall in love and end up staying in North Carolina, raising children". While I am not a fortune teller or psychic and I won't disregard these comments. I find myself rolling my eyes at them every so often. 

My moving to NC is not to live a Nicholas Sparks romance story. My goal in life at this moment is not to devour the personal ads. I am contently single. 

In a society that propagates the need to have a significant other to be complete I stand out as the grey duck. I am not the girl that has dreamed of her wedding since as far back as I could remember. Now, that does not mean that I do not enjoy "Friday brideday" on TLC or look forward to that special day. But it is not something that consumes my every thought. 

I'll admit. Some of my hesitation in believing the words I hear about finding love in NC is due to my own insecurities. I am a very strong, independent woman. I know who I am and am comfortable in my own skin. However, the thought that someone would take interest in me is sometimes a hard concept for me to grasp. Maybe it's hard for me to believe that someone would fall for me because it has been so long since I have truly experienced that rush of another persons affections. Or maybe I'm just modest. Maybe the thought of someone breaking down my walls and truly seeing me frightens me. Whatever my reasoning, it is slightly tainted. It is time for me to start living my life believing I am worthy of love, and open to the possibility. 

I want to fall deeply, passionately in love. To share love with someone and grow old with them. I want nothing more than to be a mom someday. But I do not feel rushed to begin that journey. I do not feel pressured to meet those expectations, even with many peoples inquiries and predictions. For now I'm gonna tell my own Sparks story- and maybe the sparks will be of falling in love with a man, or maybe it will be a place or finding a path to follow my passion. That's the beauty of life, a life rooted in the Father's love, is that I do not need to search far and wide, through shelves upon shelves of books for my "Nicholas Sparks novel", I have peace in knowing that I am able to live my own story and content to know I will be provided with my desires and amazing things in time, good time. 

For now my North Carolina story may not consist of the same passion most women crave within the pages of their Nicholas Sparks novel. I am okay with who I am, with the life I lead, not dependent on a man or lost in the daydream of finding my prince, knowing what I want, praying for my future and  open to possibilities.