{shift}

i lay in bed. close my eyes and try to hold on to the memories. i try and gasp what seems to be slipping away from me quicker than i had anticipated. i inhale and slowly listen to the air escape my lungs. it makes me think of the small child who had an expiratory wheeze that could be heard through my stethoscope pressed ever so gently against his chest.

it's only been 48 hours since i've been home and already i can feel the difference.

at times i feel like i am walking around unaware of what to do next. there is a list of thing to do but instead i find myself looking at the clock and thinking of what i would be doing in Haiti at that very time. or i flip through the pictures again on my camera.

the memories are slipping, slowly they will become a blur. but something else has changed. shifted.
something inside me longs not only for the memories, the people, the places, it longs for trust i had. it longs to experience more of what love really looks like. it longs to understand this shift in my understanding of who i am created to be. it longs to understand the shift that has occurred within me.

the memories will slip. become a blur. but they will always represent a change of heart. a piece of me.

i lay in bed. close my eyes and try to hold on to the memories. i try to grasp what this shift means and where it will take me. i inhale and slowly release my attempts to figure things out. i inhale again and release my control.