{the power of vulnerability}

i highly recommend taking 20 minutes and watching this video. i believe anyone and everyone needs to hear what she has to say and can relate to it. absolutely loved it.

i hope you all know you are enough, and worthy. and if you don't feel this way i hope you learn to embrace vulnerability and love. because you deserve it.

{love is all you need}

Love.

It is an emotion each of us knows and learns. One that is always part of the list of feelings: happy, sad, angry, scared, excited, and love. It is universal.

But what does love really look like? What does it mean to love someone? What does it look like to purposely love? Do we love like we are supposed to?

These among other questions have been whirling around in my head for the last couple weeks, well really years. These questions are truly what prompted the start of my blog as I journey through life learning what love looks like and to answer these questions. But the questions started boiling over again on the front burner recently like a teakettle screaming for attention.

I had been struggling with my emotions over the recent brothel experience. Battling what I know and feel versus what is real and tangible. I felt like I was on a merry-go-round with the horses going up and down between emotions of sadness and anger, only circling around and around. I was getting nowhere and the feeling sickened me.

After a long deep conversation with my best friend we both came down to one simple answer: love. In the midst of our questions on how to feel about prostitution, and homosexuality among so many other issues, we quickly realized that our emotions towards these things were not the answer. How we feel, our reactions are powerful and meaningful; they are not a waste. They are what empower us and move us to make changes, to stand for things. But our emotions are only our fuel, and if we do not have a destination they are wasted. We debated and theologically thought about how we are supposed to respond to these issues. And as cheesy as it sounds we came to the question of “what would Jesus do”… good ole W.W.J.D.

The answer is clear, strong, powerful, and tender. Jesus would love. plain & simple. We both fell silent for a minute after countless minutes of circling voices, questioning and debating, at the profoundness of our answer. Love.

One of the most powerful gifts we have as human beings is to love. We are called to love. It is our purpose to give and receive it. However, we easily undermine its strength; we mindlessly classify it as one of our feelings or emotions not as an action that can change lives and stories.

I am the type of person who loves love. I receive fulfillment and thrive off of the ability to give to others the unconditional love that I have received. I say, “I love you” probably more than necessary, more than people most likely believe could be true. “I love” things with a passion, sometimes borderline obsession. And I say “I love. (insert object/person/place or thing)” like I am placing it into a category. But I truly do love. I understand that love is malleable and gentle, passionate and overwhelming. I love to love people. But do I really love at all times? Is my love enough? What would my love be like if I loved with a purpose? What could my love do?

To love is not always easy. Loving is such a deeper emotion than what we see on the surface. It is more than what we view advertised on Valentine’s day, more than the puppy dog love of our first crushes and more than the head-over-heels in love that we see in movies and dream about in our “happily-ever-afters”.  Love can be difficult, hard, challenging and down right exhausting. To love is to be vulnerable, broken, and courageous. It is knowing that Jesus came to earth out of love, loving exactly those people who were broken, courageous and vulnerable, and showed us the ultimate gift of love by dying for our sins.

This is what love looks like. It is not about the flowers or gift you buy someone. It is about giving of what you have been given. It is about empowering people. Love has a purpose. But to be able to love as we have been called to, we must first realize that we are worthy of love. We cannot give the kind of love that moves mountains, the kind of love that impacts peoples’ lives, unless we allow it to do the same in our lives. Letting yourself be loved, to feel love, and accept it can be harder than giving it. Opening yourself up to truly experience love is frightening and fulfilling all at the same time. Something within us unravels, changes. Love moves in us, rearranging us to become as we were created to be.

As humans, love is something we thrive for and avoid. It is something we all desire and need. Yet we are afraid of exposing ourselves, of allowing ourselves to become attached, or eventually hurt. Love is something we know but do not fully understand; it is something we partake in, not always experiencing it. We love out of habit, based on convenience and sometimes not at all.

We live in a world of generic love, written all over the place. We say “I love you” in all different languages and tongues. We express love on very superficial grounds. But what if we understood and accepted what it meant to truly be loved? What if we loved others unconditionally and with a purpose?

So, maybe the questions are not what my political or religious stance should be on certain subjects, or about how I should feel about something? Maybe the question is how do I love with a purpose? How can I love more? Or where is love in those situations? Because I do not have the answers to what is the right frame of reference, opinion or feeling? I only need the answer on what I am to do: LOVE.

{friday 5's}

Finishing up week 6, another great week with some great people. only 2 more weeks left. It is bittersweet.

friday fives:

1.    Tanvi

·      Gosh I love this girl. I am so glad that I’ve made such a great friends while being in India. And I am so thankful for getting to spend time with her this past weekend. We had girls night on Saturday with a few of us, munching on snacks and having “girl talk”.  On Sunday night she made us pasta, and it was DELICIOUS! I love pasta in general so I couldn’t have been a happier girl, plus I finished off a great weekend with great company. I have absolutely loved getting to know Tanvi; we both have said that it feels like we have been friends for year. I am so thankful for her and am gonna miss her when I leave.

2.   Biryani

·      Saturday afternoon we were invited to have lunch with some of the guys we met in the Pharmacology department. They invited us to have Biryani- which is an Indian delicacy here, it is rice and either lamb or chicken cooked in spices for 24 hours. They were amazed that we had never had and it in awe that we had never even heard of it, so they ordered it for us. It was seriously my favorite Indian food I’ve had. It was spicier than our normal food but it had so much good flavors. We spent the afternoon just talking and laughing about stupid things and finished it off with a dessert of oreos and peanut butter. It was a great afternoon.

3.   Movies & crafts

·      I am thankful for one of the pharmacology department guys for allowing us to get movies off his external hard drive. The Internet was down at the beginning of this week so having movies was a great way to pass some time. I also spend my time doing some crafts and just relaxing.

4.   Bhandardara

·      We were posted in the mountain area for a day this week. It was a very interesting curvy car ride and I’m not sure I learned anything at any of the sites but it the view was absolutely breathtaking! The mountains were so green and the way the sun reflected off them and the clouds that would roll in and cover the peaks was beautiful. There were rice patties everywhere. Pictures can’t even do it justice… it was just stunning.

5.   Dinner for the international student

·      We had dinner with the vice chancellor the other night with all of us international students. It was so fun to get to spend time with everyone and just enjoy each other’s company. We had dinner outside by candlelight and ate so much food.  

{i wish...}

i wish you were here with me.

i wish you could see the world through my eyes.

i wish i could capture the joy, pain, suffering, laughter, hope, fear, brokenness, and beauty that surrounds me here.

i wish i could tell you how it feels to sit in the car with the window rolled down and the cool stuffy indian air hitting my face, as India expands and passes around me.

i wish you could see the way of life in the country here. the slow steady pace of life, people tending to their needs with no rush or urgency. the simplicity of it.

i wish you could see the old man in his full white garb riding his old rickety bike down a dirt path with fields of green stretching to either side of him.
or the woman hunched over in their fields working with their hands.
or the man barefoot in the valley with his herd of sheep, with callused feet from hard work that are padded by the mossy like grass beneath them.
or the young children walking home from school on the side of the street with their uniforms on, all wrinkled and dirtied from a day of learning and play, with their backpacks that come to their calves they are so large.

i wish you could see how the mountains seem to climb out of no where with lone temples placed peacefully atop them

i wish you could experience the sound of horns from cars passing or the constant swerving of the vehicle and sudden jerks as the car ahead coming towards us gets too close.

i wish i could share with you the feeling of simple innocences that over came me as i watch two small boys ride a bike down the street, laughing and waving, without a care in the world, as though nothing bad could ever happen.

i wish i could capture the way broken pieces of fabric, tarp, string and sticks become a home, a shelter. or the way a mud house looks as though it may wash away in the rain.

i wish you could see the old man sitting completely alone in the middle of his field with a piece of fabric covering him from the rain as it pelts the roof of our vehicle.

i wish i could share with you how dark the darkness is here at night. or what the sky looks like as the sun is setting, streaking rays of light across the clouds as it sets beyond the mountain, touching the last bit of land here for today until the next.

i wish i could tell you about the 3 men sitting on the front steps of a brightly colored concrete building most likely sharing the gossip or news of the town over coffee. the serious lines across their face from years of life, yet the softness that breaks over their smiles.

i wish i could tell you how when it rains, the mud pools and creates small streams along the path we walk each day. or how vibrant the green fields and trees become, as if you can see them soaking in their nutrients.

i wish you could see the shanty houses all crammed into alleyways and parts of town, with young children standing in sheds of clothing.

i wish you could see the children playing with a deflated ball in the dirt parking lot, after hours, most of the times barefoot with the gravel dust puffing up beneath their feet as they run.

i wish you could see the beautiful dark faces with bright white wide curious eyes i pass each day. and the smiles people share and snickers as i smile and wave back.

i wish you could stand in the market with me, to see the vast colors that surround you. the tarps and strings strung together like spider webs above your head to shield the produce from the sun & rain. i wish you could experience the colors of the produce, the bangles and the random array of things as we walk the dirty ground of the market. i wish you could see the people, packed so tightly into one area along with a motorcycle trying to pass.

i wish i could explain how even the dirt and the garbage littered everywhere, the brokenness of my surroundings, make this place beautiful.

i wish i had a camera, a car and time to travel. learning peoples stories, sharing life with them. smiling, laughing, crying and praying with them. capturing the beauty in the brokenness and joy in the simpleness of life all around the world.

i wish i had words to eloquently paint you a picture of all these things and so many more.

i wish i could show you what breaks my heart and what fills it.

i wish i had the words.

i wish...

{friday fives}

i can't believe it is already time for friday fives again! the weeks have been flying by. we just finished our 5th week in India! CRAZY!! it was a great week, with 5 things coming easily to mind.

1.     Home cooked meal & dress up.

·      Saturday evening the group of us girls went to our friend Suguna’s house. We met Suguna in the Pharmacology department. She invited us to her apartment to cook us a meal and show us pictures of her wedding. As girls of course we were curious about her wedding ceremony and an afternoon of hanging out sounded amazing. She does not live with her husband as he is back home running his business, as she finishes her PhD. Being on her own, she like us is always looking for things to do. She shared with us some Indian sweets, told us all about her wedding and husband (you can really tell she loves him dearly) and showed us her wedding pictures. She also pulled out all of her saris (sarees) she had with her…enough to cover he entire bed! She is like any other girl and loves clothes. We of course had to have a fashion show and play dress up. To finish off our night, Suguna made us a home cooked meal traditional to her part of the country and made it less spicy just for us- it was so good! She was so sweet and we all had a great time talking and laughing with one another. We left with our bellies and hearts full. 

2.     Package

·      I got a package from my parents this week. It had tons of food and other things I had asked for. I am so thankful for the little bits of home and comfort that were packed into the box. I especially love the surprise my dad threw into the box of orange slices! So thanks mom & dad for the package and making sure I do not starve… I actually think I might need to start running more with all the food I have now!

3.     Puppies

·      This week I got to pet my first dog in India- it was a short little legged wiener dog… so cute! The puppy was so excited to have me pet her she peed all over. The owner just laughed as I talking in my animal voice (those that know me know what I mean). During some traveling we did this week we found another puppy that I gave some food too. I was a very happy girl in both situations! Here is a picture of the little pup I met. 

4.     Traveling & shopping

·      On Sunday we headed to a near by city, Nashik, to do some site seeing and shopping. I love traveling and even though the car rides make me a little nervous for my life I love seeing India and getting to experience the country. 

5.     Laughter

·      My team has had some really good laughter this week over multiple things from funny faces we make at each other to something complete stupid one of us says. We have had crazy rickshaw drivers that make us laugh. And lots of "remember whens..." I have laughed to the point of tears at times this week and have loved it. I love getting to really know the girls I am here with in India and learning to make fun of each other and enjoy living life in India together.

I hope everyone has had a week filled with 5+ amazing things- feel free to share!

{change of heart}

Something has changed. I can feel it. It has been gradual, hard and gentle, quiet and boisterous. But it has occurred. I can feel it when I get out of bed in the morning, while I am walking to breakfast, when I interact with people around me, when I lay in bed at night and when I smile and laugh.

It has been what I have prayed for since landing and even before getting here. to really love being in India. 


When I first arrived, I was hoping to learn to simply survive in India. Within the first couple of days I numbered the days I had left in my planner and told myself that I would be able to do this. And at times I would wonder what I was thinking, coming across the world for 8 weeks.

That person seems so distant. I will admit that times in India have been difficult and there are comforts of home that I miss. I cannot say it has been an easy process learning to truly love life here. It was a challenge with a lot of resistance along the way, but the struggle is part of my story. 

It started with a wake up call, not the gentle soft alarm clock that gradually grows louder- no, it was more of the full strength screaming train alarm clock: I was what was holding myself back from loving my time in India. I had prayed night after night to finally be able to honestly say I was happy I chose to come here and that I was enjoying myself. I told myself early on in the trip that I was going to make the best of my situation. I did not want to waste my time in India disliking it, to realize upon returning home how much I enjoyed it and then miss out on truly living in the opportunities. Or so I thought, I thought I was living with that mentality. But 3 weeks in, after being jolted awake by the alarm clock, I was already frustrated with and regretting the way I had spent a third of my trip. I knew something had to change- that something was me.

I had been praying but not the right prayer. What I prayed for, what I wanted, was different than what my heart needed. I was praying for my circumstances to change, not for a change within me, not for me to change the way I was choosing to live my life here in India. I had it all wrong.

Jugaad, was my first answer to my pleas, a subtle wake up call. Jugaad means to make use of your circumstances; to be innovative with what you are given. It was explained to me in one of the departments I was in, in reference to their lack of physical assistance. But the word echoed in my head and struck a chord in my heart. Again, things around me were not going to change, it was me that had to make the adjustments. 

I was awake now, alert, and my eyes were open. The way of life here had become normal, but I no longer was just going through the motions- I was determined to live life, making to most of what I was given.

Truly living is not easy. I grew tired and weary from the effort such change required. And I would find myself selling myself short, thinking maybe I wasn’t capable of changing. But I continued to pray for direction.

Change is not something that happens overnight, even if you want it to. It is not something you decide one moment and the next it is finished, especially change that involves your character. As much as I try to tell myself this; it is never going to be true. And the more I try to make it truth the more I let myself down or feel as if I’ve failed. Accepting this is fact was where my prayers were answered again. It was words of wisdom that were shared with me in yet another department only a couple days after jugaad. I would not call this a wake up call, but more of a reminder, an arm nudge.


Sometimes I think prayers should be answered with trumpets sounding in the background or with flashing lights, but this answer was through a simple old man sharing advice about life. His main 3 things to live by, that is it. Three things and a simple old man, completely unaware that the knowledge he was sharing was exactly what I needed.

1.     anger is a wasted emotion.

I had been spending too much time being frustrated with myself, angry at others for lack of assistance and angry with my circumstances, all for what? It was not solving anything; it was not getting me anywhere. I was wasting my time and energy. Anger is a wasted emotion. 

1.     live humbly.

I was barely living my own life, let alone living it humbly. I again was caught up in trying to live my life for myself, to my own expectations. He said that those great people did not live their lives as those who thought of themselves as somebody. Who was I? I’d been living subconsciously as if I were someone special, a privileged American. I needed to start living as a nobody, and start living for others, giving more of myself to find more of who I am and how to truly live with the circumstances I was given.

2.     have patience.

I wanted change to happen instantaneously. I was becoming impatient with myself over the fact that I could not change. That I was not fully awake after all of the wake up calls and reminders, prayers, desires and decisions. 

Sometimes we have to accept that we cannot always have a plan and that we have to let go of our expectations to truly start living, let go and breath and allow change to happen. It is not something you can just do, it does not work like a light switch, or a change of clothing. Change is not something we can fully control, speed up or slow down, you just have to let it happen. Let it and allow it. I wish it were easy. It has taken me half of my time here to come to this conclusion, to get to this point. I have gone from counting my days to now learning to make my days count. 

Something has changed. I've changed. My heart has changed.


“isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different…” –c.s. lewis

{mukta = freedom}

the world is a broken place. and the lives we live are very padded in comparison to what many people experience everyday all around the world.

we are unaware of the world around us.

right now though i feel acutely aware of how broken the world is. and i honestly wish i could be an arrogant individual, completely unaware of the world and problems people face, living in my comfortable middle class padded American life. but i can't.

what is a harder truth to accept than the fact that we are unaware of how broken the world is, is one i literally met face to face today, the truth of prostitution. 

today i sat in a brothel. i sat across from 9 women around my age, who sell their bodies to whoever will pay the fee. i drank cola with them as if i was spending time with anyone. i asked them their name, where they were from and how old they were. i conversed with them as if their occupation is no different mine.

but the truth is that their profession- their way of life. the only way they know how to make money to support their relatives at home. the lies of a "business career" they have- is very different than mine.

today i sat in a brothel. i sat across from 9 women. i drank cola with them. i asked them how long they had been in prostitution. i asked them how many men they have as clients during the day&night. i learned their hours were 11am-1am. i conversed with them as men began to accumulate in the courtyard and look in through the barred window at us as if we were animals on display, picking which "one", girl, he would like.

today i sat on a couch in a brothel with the brothel owner, a woman, sitting on the arm of the couch next to me, patting me on the back, smiling at me. i sat there hating this women, but i found myself praying for compassion for her. i sat there angry at her for allowing this whole production to occur. feeling as if i could throw up over the way she could continue to sell these women as if they are nothing, as she herself is a woman. but even in my absolute disgust i knew this woman needed to be loved as well. that my hatred of her would change nothing.

this is a truth. a hard truth that i faced today, but so many women face this each and every day of their lives. this is their profession. their way of life. the only thing they know. i wish i could express the emotion i feel, but i don't feel anything right now. right now i feel hollow. i feel hopeless, helpless. i don't know what to feel because i do not know what emotion is going to make a difference. Crying wont solve anything. anger and hatred won't matter.

i feel hollow, like the women feel. hollow for the lack of love or joy they experience or receive. they are simply used; not even seen or thought of as people that would deserve such emotions. something that should be special and shared with those you love, something that is cherished by so many is given at such a small price. they are hollow- without even knowing it.

this hollow sickens me.

as i keep repeating my day and every interaction i had with these women i think of the word mukta- the name of the organization we worked with, which works to provide health education and screenings for these women. mukta means freedom. but these women are not free. and the organization is not providing them with freedom. freedom would for these women to feel loved, for them to understand that they deserve to be truly loved, appreciated. for them to experience joy. for them to live a life where their profession did not consist of prostitution. where they are defined by and find worth in something besides their body. these women do not experience any of these things. they are used as if they are objects, not human beings capable of, and deserving of such powerful emotions. and again i feel hollow.

i feel hollow over how as i reflect on my day and mukta, i am brought back to the car ride home. with the window of the car rolled down, the cool, stuffy, dirty indian air hitting my face, and the laughter my team shares over some stupid comment or face one of us makes as we leisurely eat bananas. that is freedom. we have freedom. but what makes my inside hurt as i think of this picture of us in the car is the way all of us were stuffing the truths of what we saw deep down inside us. avoiding the it. avoiding the brokenness of the world that we had seen and experienced...

we have freedom. we have mukta. mukta to feel- to feel happy, sad, joy, pain, love, anger, desire and even hollow. we have mukta to be whoever we want, whatever we want and whenever we want. we have mukta to choose to make a difference or live our padded lives unaware of the brokenness of the world.

the world is a broken place. but there is mukta.