{in the middle of my little mess i forget how big I'm blessed}

{spiderwebs}

::a couple weeks back now i did an activity with my women's cell group that has stuck with me. i truly believe it is something everyone can relate to and struggles with.::

we all have struggles, things we deal with on daily basis. they are the things we fear, the things we think, the things we feel. we all deal with our faults everyday, many of us multiple times a day. i am guilty of judging and i know i do it without thinking at least 3 times a day. we have struggles. we struggle with relationships with others, we struggle with ourselves and we struggle with God. we are human and we struggle.

the problem with so many of us and our struggle is we don't deal with them. we don't face them. we let them rule over our lives. we walk around dealing with these battles, some of us feeling ashamed of them, others being angry. we feel like we are the only ones that deal with such things- that the person next to us at church, bible study or in school is so put together they could never deal with such things- FALSE. that is lie #1. the truth of the matter is that so many of the people around you deal with the same struggles/battles/fears. we live in a society where you are taught to show your good side, the facade that is all put together, but underneath it all i believe we are all very similar. many of us struggle with the same things everyday and we do not realize it because so many of us are also afraid to talk about them.

the saddest part about all of these struggles we deal with is the control they have over our lives. by living in our struggles- intentionally or not- we let them define us. along with judging i struggle with acceptance. my entire life i have strived for acceptance, always trying to please by parents to win their acceptance- getting straight A's to feel like i was the daughter they wanted. even with friends i always wanted to be the person everyone liked. this struggle and fear of acceptance has rolled over into my relationship with Jesus. I find myself striving for his acceptance over and over again when deep down i know it isn't necessary. but this is what i mean by control. our struggles become our 'truth' or what we believe to be our 'truth'/what defines us. this is lie #2. our struggles are not what defines us. the lies we believe are not the way we are meant to think or act. we are not called to be sinners or unrighteous people, we are called to be beloved, perfect children. we are not defined in God's eyes by what we struggle with.

but then why do we believe them? why do we let them control who we think we are?

what we forget is we are not in this alone.

we all deal with many of the same struggles on some level. we are not alone. we are connected more than we ever thought. if we were to physically connect our struggles to the ones others have that we deal with as well, we would find it makes a messy spiderweb.

{'What they trust in is fragile; what they rely on is a spider web. They lean on the web, but it gives way; they cling to it, but it does not hold.' Job 8:14-15}

we believe in our faults, our doubts, our fears. they become our truth.  like a spiderweb 

is strong and catches things. we get caught in the mess of it all, in letting it rule our lives and define who we are. alone we can try to defeat it but we do not have much luck. 

a spiderweb is strong. those strings that connect one person's struggle to the next is strong. together with other we can break the web of doubts. if we were more open about our faults and fears with the people around us who we love we could find the real truth of who we are meant to be. we cannot do it alone and nor are we called to. these things we trust in are not what we are meant to rely on. we may revert back to them just as i fall back into striving for acceptance but time and time again it gives way, because what i let define me is a spiderweb of lies.

i believe many of us believe in a similar messy spiderweb of lies. we forget how strong it can be, both in it's hold on us and how strong it can connect us to each other. if we let it become a bond between us we could break through the chains that weight us down, that hold us back from our true potential.

what holds you back? what do you struggle with? what do you let define you? is it acceptance, judgement, jealousy,perfectionism, loving others, loving yourself, failure, mercy...?

none of those are your 'truths'. the truth is you are BELOVED.

{who is like God?}

i've been bless beyond belief. let me just start with that.

i have had so many influential important people in my life. people that have helped shape who i have become. without these people i literally do not know how i would function.

a handful of these people are the ones i call my other mothers. and yes i have multiple ones. but there is one in particular that this blog is about. there is one that has been placed on my heart. the one i'm meant to influence, to change her life.

this women means the world to me. she is someone i want to literally call 'mom' someday, and i want my children to call her 'grandma' or 'nona'. she never was able to become a mother herself but she has such a motherly heart and i want her to have what she couldn't. i want her to experience the things she didn't think she ever could.

i love this women and this is what scares me about my call on her life. i am afraid that i may screw up and somehow end up losing her all together. i would rather stay here on this comfortable level where i love her but at a distance, not to the point where i have to actually follow where i am being lead.

i'm scared to take a risk. not only am i called to tell this women about how much Jesus loves her but i really feel i am called to pray healing over her body from the sickness she has within her. as if telling her that Jesus loves her wasn't enough to scare me i now have to explain that He loves her so much He wants to heal her! she is going to think i'm crazy!

but what scares me the most is i'm more scared about what happens if i don't get over my own fear... what happens if i don't follow the call that has been placed on my heart?

the thing is i love this second mother so much that i shouldn't be worried about rejection or losing her i should care and worry about missing the opportunity to change her life, for her to really know Jesus. and when it comes down to it i do. but like so many of us human's it's simply the hardest to really love the ones we love. we are already emotionally attached and comfortable. we don't want to rock the boat or send crashing waves through a calm sea. we are afraid to step out of the comfort zone.

the title of this blog is {who is like God} because that is the meaning of her name... and really who is like God? it is so hard to be like him, He loves everyone and does not worry if people reject him. He loves them even if that means they won't love him in return. i think its suiting for her name to mean this. i'm called to be like God in her life... to love her enough for her to know the love of God, to not worry about rejection.

this is my struggle. learning to love someone you already love. to take the risks and the chances. it may be small steps here and there but to slowly learn to follow the call that has been place on my heart. to listen when the spirit leads me.

i know with all my heart i don't want to let this opportunity pass. i want to have the courage, strength and compassion to change this women's life.

i've been blessed beyond belief and i want her to know why. i want to love her so she can know and experience how much Jesus loves her as well. i want to be like God for her, an example of who He really is. i want to bravely take the chance and follow my calling.

"become a river not a reservoir. be a part of the movement."

{the ultimate gift}

it is fall. that time of year again where my nerves are always on high along with my emotions and my head hurts at least every other day... it's that time for school again. i go through the same freak out routine every year as i get used to the new workload and everything else that is changing in my life. this year has been the same on many levels but on others different. this year is going to be different.

last year was a huge struggle for me. starting pharmacy school (aka grad school) and a job in a pharmacy as well as other extracurricular activities my life was crazy. after a month in i was ready to be done. i was depressed and hated my life. i had no time for me, no time for the people around me or the ones i really loved. i felt disconnected and discouraged. and it was all because i was trying to do it all perfectly. i was striving for the best... and i was coming up short, very short. i was sinking fast. it was a rough first semester.

but things began to change. i realized i was struggling because i was trying to do everything myself. i was trying to prove that i could succeed in life. after trying, failing, picking myself up, trying again and failing again. until i finally wasn't able to pick myself up again. i had hit rock bottom. it was then i realized i left Jesus on my nightstand. i left Him in my bible. i didn't take him with me throughout my day. instead i carried the weight of everything with me, everywhere. i needed freedom and i needed love. i not only had left Jesus but i had left the most important people around me as well, the people i needed to fill me up, love me and support me.

but the good news in this sad story is that when you hit bottom there is no where else to go but up. and even better is that even though i left Jesus behind, He never left me.

He never left me!

my life slowly began to make a turn for the better. key word slowly. it was still a rough year but i slowly began to shed the weight of everything i was carrying. i began to learn what freedom meant for me and what it looked like. my heart was being transformed from all the lies it has started to believe about myself and my life. i started to claim my identity as a daughter. a loved one. i still struggled with feeling loved and trying to earn it and i still do today but i began to realize how much pressure i was putting on myself for no reason.

the amazing thing is that Jesus uses our failures to make us strong. He provides even in our darkest moments. He doesn't care that i failed. that i left Him on the nightstand. that i doubted His abilities. He was there last year through it all.

so this fall is different. this fall i'm receiving the ultimate gift. the gift of forgiveness, of acceptance even in my failures. i'm not going to say my life is perfect yet, i have a long way to go and every once in awhile i feel myself sinking again. but this time, this year is different. this year i am aware of Jesus around me and where He is providing for me. this year my heart is changing. i am moving forward. i'm learning to take time for me. and time to be with the people in my life that matter the most. the ones that reminded me of how loved i am.

this fall i'm accepting my failures. because Jesus uses failures, he doesn't use quitters. and i'm not quitting yet. there is so much goodness to come. this year i can tell is going to be different, i'm declaring it.

{lovely}

{because love is a little crazy}

i would give the world to spend the day with these girls again. to laugh. to cry. to act like i knew what they were talking about in amharic.

love comes in all colors. love comes in all different shapes. love is not only here but there.

love is... a little crazy