{a blessed curse}

They say it takes 21 days to break a habit, 6 weeks to make something become part of your routine and 8 weeks for results of exercise & diet to be seen but how long does it take for a place to feel like home or how quickly can a complete stranger become family?

Some of us search for years- place after place and miles after miles for where we feel at home. For others it can take only a couple weeks, days or even minutes. The same goes for loving & inviting others in. Certain individuals are able to love the stranger next to them on the bus, or the cute elderly couple sitting at the table directly across from them in the coffee shop, without limitations of time. While others may take years to show affection or say those three magical words. Neither way is right nor wrong, which makes it impossible to quantify how long it can take for these things to occur. 

What I have learned in response to these questions is how quickly my heart can become attached and how quickly it can be broken- the strength of these feelings pulling at each fiber of its structure as it is stretched in yet another direction and another piece is being left behind.  

I never knew a heart could feel so full, bulging at the seams, while at the same time scattered to pieces. I'm not sure I can explain how it feels to be able to give a part of your heart away over and over and still feel complete.

For me, calling a place home doesn't always take very long and most of the reason for that is calling a place home for me is always adjacent to loving the people I share it with. And the ability to quickly love comes second nature to me. I am one of those people who loves without limitations. My ability to love is part of who I am, what defines me, engrained into my being. 

There are times though when I wish my heart wasn't so tender. When my blessing to love with such a passion feels more like a curse of loving too easily. I love people because I believe they deserve nothing less, because I have been given a sacred gift that is meant to be shared. Loving others to me is a sole purpose of living. But love isn't a one way street and it isn't a "feel good" emotion all the time- it is a giving & taking and truly loving hurts. 

At this moment loving hurt. I feel like my heart is open, exposed to all the elements, and bleeding for the pieces that have been torn away from it. It is beautifully marked with scars from the imprints people have left on it. But even as I question how much more it can take- it beats on, full of strength and love. I find a rhythm with my breathing and feel my heart rate, steady and strong. With each beat I am reminded of all the people I love, all the people I have been able to love and all the people that have poured more love into me. With each pulse I know how quickly I am able to call a place home because a home is not a building, a home is a person, couple or a family. It is within me and wherever those individuals are. I am, as you could say the "home nomad"- one who has more than a single home, it's never something I am searching for, but it is something I find almost everywhere. 

What I can tell you at this point in my life is that having more than one home & family, in more than one place, is a blessing- no matter how long it takes you to find them. That family is not defined by what we normally think of as blood and genetics but by something stronger- LOVE. I can tell you that a heart that is broken and shared, is a heart that is full. That one of the best gifts of life is the people you share it with, even for short periods of time. I can tell you that love is painful but the most fulfilling thing you can ever give or receive. And that a gift can feel like a curse but a curse is only a blessing in disguise. 

{silent blessings}

We've all heard the phrase "actions speak louder than words". If you know me, you know I speak through my actions. I wear my heart on my sleeve and let my spirit speak through my doings.

So today when I sat in an exam room listening to the man sitting next to me, who was wearing the same rugged clothing he wore last week with all of his belonging in his small duffle bag, it wasn't a surprise that I was risings from my seat and walking across the room towards my lunch bag before I realized exactly what I was about to do. 

There are times when words are necessary. Times when people need to literally hear praises and comforting words and times when actions are needed. When something physical becomes more powerful than a string of words could ever be. 

I realized this today as I shuffled across the room thinking how much more this man needed my lunch than I. It was in this split second in which I made my decision to give of what I have been given that it became clear how powerful a silent blessing can become.

What shocked me more was the aftermath of the gift, when I became acutely intune with the minute details of our lives in which we overlook. There are times like today, when the fog of reality is lifted from around me and I get a glimpse of how extremely blessed I am- down to the tiny unimaginable details of my life, parts that are overlooked on a daily basis. It is in these moments that I feel the weight of "giving"; when all the blessings around me seem to press down upon me, and I am able to embrace their significance. While at the same time I feel lighter than air, knowing that there is a movement beyond our physical beings that is able to fill our souls and connect us on a level we could not physically do, even if we tried.  For in those moments I feel complete- as though the world is exactly how it should be. That our brokenness is made right for that distinct sliver in time. 

These faint blessings are capable of vigorous movements like an earthquake, with strengths to cause a cascade of events and an aftemath with tremors that ripple outward influencing and adjusting parts of our lives and others around us in ways we could not even begin to fathom. 

These silent blessings, the meek everyday parts of life and the extraordinary happenings, are what bring me back to the true meaning of living a life for others, loving and being grateful for what we have been given. It is these actions that speak louder than words- the ones we choose and those we do subconsciously that provide meaning, fulfillment and give purpose to our lives. And at the end of the day it is because of these blessings, the subtle yet resilient ones in which I have been handed, that I find myself with an extremely full life worth living every minute of- continuing to allow and embrace that mine and others actions have the undenying ability to speak louder than our words- to be silent blessings.