{to dare greatly}

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is not effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly…”

On the verge of what seems like the cliff that overlooks my future this passage embodies every emotion I feel, fear and unworthiness, while it gives me peace as I venture into the unknown- as I step off the edge and hope with great faith that I will land exactly where I am meant to be.

As I was telling someone the other day “to truly live is to take risks, to step out of your comfort zone.” In the past I have held onto the stable things in my life, gripping onto what I can control, working with everything I have to succeed. And there have been times when I have given in and let go, throwing up my hands and abandoning my control. In these moments, the vulnerable times are the moments when I feel most alive. And so with the future quickly approaching I find myself with an internal debate- where part of me wants to cling to the things “I know”, the comforts in my life, the places where I know who I am, while deep down my gut screams to give in and let the wind take me- my adventurous soul knows that I could be cutting myself short of truly living, if I do not take the chance.

This is how I have gotten to here, standing on the edge of what I know. I am ready to take the step, to find the light, to follow my gut, and believe that God has greater plans for my life- no matter where that may be. And I’ll be honest, even with joy that overwhelms me at such amazing opportunities ahead of me and a strong feeling that overcomes me telling me I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing I still have a million or more butterflies swarming around in my belly.

There are times when I let my fear and insecurity run rampant and I question if I’ll be “good enough”. But as stated above there is no effort without error and shortcomings. I may not be perfect- I may not be the most “qualified” students out there with the pristine resume and I may stumble and fall short from time to time but I will go out in the arena giving it my all- vulnerable and open.

If I’ve learned anything from the life I’ve lived thus far, it is that some things are out of our control and all we can do is be the best us there is- strive for our passions, have faith in the unknown, and believe that we are worthy. And so, I will step off the ledge and let what happens happen but I will do it while daring greatly to achieve what I can only hope the future holds.

{a blessed curse}

They say it takes 21 days to break a habit, 6 weeks to make something become part of your routine and 8 weeks for results of exercise & diet to be seen but how long does it take for a place to feel like home or how quickly can a complete stranger become family?

Some of us search for years- place after place and miles after miles for where we feel at home. For others it can take only a couple weeks, days or even minutes. The same goes for loving & inviting others in. Certain individuals are able to love the stranger next to them on the bus, or the cute elderly couple sitting at the table directly across from them in the coffee shop, without limitations of time. While others may take years to show affection or say those three magical words. Neither way is right nor wrong, which makes it impossible to quantify how long it can take for these things to occur. 

What I have learned in response to these questions is how quickly my heart can become attached and how quickly it can be broken- the strength of these feelings pulling at each fiber of its structure as it is stretched in yet another direction and another piece is being left behind.  

I never knew a heart could feel so full, bulging at the seams, while at the same time scattered to pieces. I'm not sure I can explain how it feels to be able to give a part of your heart away over and over and still feel complete.

For me, calling a place home doesn't always take very long and most of the reason for that is calling a place home for me is always adjacent to loving the people I share it with. And the ability to quickly love comes second nature to me. I am one of those people who loves without limitations. My ability to love is part of who I am, what defines me, engrained into my being. 

There are times though when I wish my heart wasn't so tender. When my blessing to love with such a passion feels more like a curse of loving too easily. I love people because I believe they deserve nothing less, because I have been given a sacred gift that is meant to be shared. Loving others to me is a sole purpose of living. But love isn't a one way street and it isn't a "feel good" emotion all the time- it is a giving & taking and truly loving hurts. 

At this moment loving hurt. I feel like my heart is open, exposed to all the elements, and bleeding for the pieces that have been torn away from it. It is beautifully marked with scars from the imprints people have left on it. But even as I question how much more it can take- it beats on, full of strength and love. I find a rhythm with my breathing and feel my heart rate, steady and strong. With each beat I am reminded of all the people I love, all the people I have been able to love and all the people that have poured more love into me. With each pulse I know how quickly I am able to call a place home because a home is not a building, a home is a person, couple or a family. It is within me and wherever those individuals are. I am, as you could say the "home nomad"- one who has more than a single home, it's never something I am searching for, but it is something I find almost everywhere. 

What I can tell you at this point in my life is that having more than one home & family, in more than one place, is a blessing- no matter how long it takes you to find them. That family is not defined by what we normally think of as blood and genetics but by something stronger- LOVE. I can tell you that a heart that is broken and shared, is a heart that is full. That one of the best gifts of life is the people you share it with, even for short periods of time. I can tell you that love is painful but the most fulfilling thing you can ever give or receive. And that a gift can feel like a curse but a curse is only a blessing in disguise. 

{silent blessings}

We've all heard the phrase "actions speak louder than words". If you know me, you know I speak through my actions. I wear my heart on my sleeve and let my spirit speak through my doings.

So today when I sat in an exam room listening to the man sitting next to me, who was wearing the same rugged clothing he wore last week with all of his belonging in his small duffle bag, it wasn't a surprise that I was risings from my seat and walking across the room towards my lunch bag before I realized exactly what I was about to do. 

There are times when words are necessary. Times when people need to literally hear praises and comforting words and times when actions are needed. When something physical becomes more powerful than a string of words could ever be. 

I realized this today as I shuffled across the room thinking how much more this man needed my lunch than I. It was in this split second in which I made my decision to give of what I have been given that it became clear how powerful a silent blessing can become.

What shocked me more was the aftermath of the gift, when I became acutely intune with the minute details of our lives in which we overlook. There are times like today, when the fog of reality is lifted from around me and I get a glimpse of how extremely blessed I am- down to the tiny unimaginable details of my life, parts that are overlooked on a daily basis. It is in these moments that I feel the weight of "giving"; when all the blessings around me seem to press down upon me, and I am able to embrace their significance. While at the same time I feel lighter than air, knowing that there is a movement beyond our physical beings that is able to fill our souls and connect us on a level we could not physically do, even if we tried.  For in those moments I feel complete- as though the world is exactly how it should be. That our brokenness is made right for that distinct sliver in time. 

These faint blessings are capable of vigorous movements like an earthquake, with strengths to cause a cascade of events and an aftemath with tremors that ripple outward influencing and adjusting parts of our lives and others around us in ways we could not even begin to fathom. 

These silent blessings, the meek everyday parts of life and the extraordinary happenings, are what bring me back to the true meaning of living a life for others, loving and being grateful for what we have been given. It is these actions that speak louder than words- the ones we choose and those we do subconsciously that provide meaning, fulfillment and give purpose to our lives. And at the end of the day it is because of these blessings, the subtle yet resilient ones in which I have been handed, that I find myself with an extremely full life worth living every minute of- continuing to allow and embrace that mine and others actions have the undenying ability to speak louder than our words- to be silent blessings. 

{beauty}

I find myself standing in front of the mirror. my worst enemy. critiquing every little bit of myself, down to the pores on my nose. I find just about every flaw any human being could possibly see when they look at me...

my love handles or muffin top, the way my chin sticks out, my flabs instead of abs, the small gap in my teeth from not wearing my retainer, how my cheeks look chubby when I smile...  

the list could go on forever.  This is where I stop. I stare at myself in my mirror, spending a couple moments really looking at the person staring back. am I really defined by all of those things I've just listed?

The answer is NO!

Sadly so many girls and women stand in the very same place I find myself standing in. We believe that we are defined by these minuscule flaws that we see when we look in the mirror or by what we think about ourselves. It consumes our thoughts, overpowering the beautiful features each and every one of us contains. These flaws become the sole things we see when we look in the mirror or how we envision ourselves.

We are constantly, consciously and subconsciously, viewing ourselves through the lenses of how we think people perceive us- and it is a filthy lens. The truth is that almost 99% of the time, the people whom we think see these things about us, notice none of them at all. It is time to strip away these lies, to start standing tall and clean off the film that holds us back from truly seeing the beautiful face, body and person that is looking back at you in the mirror, waiting to be loved, and authentically seen.

It makes my heart ache thinking about how so many of us walk around with all of these negative thoughts and perceptions attached to us like name tags as though they are who we are. It makes me sadder to see and hear young girls talk about their bodies is such a condescending way, comparing themselves to others or having them hear the snide, off-hand comments of others about them. Sadly these occurances continue even into adulthood and does not stop. Even in the work place, full of professionals, we continue to put others down; we continue to compare ourselves to the person next to us, wishing we could be more like them. We give compliments to other while internally judging ourselves against them.

This is how society has engrained each of us to see our beauty. It is who we are. how we define ourselves and strive for "better". But I beg for you to stop. To truly see and appreciate the beauty each one of you emulates. 

These are a few things I wish everyone of you, and every woman out there could hear & know:

1. You are perfect!

• No matter your shape, size, height, weight, color, etc you are PERFECT. You may be apple shaped, or pear shaped. You may have long legs or a short torso. You may be overweight according to your scale, or thick skinned. You may have brown hair, blonde hair, red, black or purple for that matter. You may have hazel eyes, blue eyes, brown, black or green. Your skin may be pale, brown, tan or black. It may even have freckles, blemishes or moles. But no matter which of these combinations you are, or not, you are perfect! You are beautiful!

2. Don't compare, embrace

• Stop comparing yourself to the person next to you, to that family member, celebrity or the person you used to be. Embrace who you are right now, today. That other person may look like they are perfect, that they have it all together and they have every thing going for them. They may have the perfect hair, perfect body, smile and style. Surprisingly though, most likely, they too look at you and others around them, wishing they too had things they don't possess. Stop putting others on a pedestal and looking up to them, we are all on the same playing field.

3. Be you

• As women we are soft, tender and malleable. We change to be "better". We work our tail ends off to be thinner, smarter, sexier, toner, prettier. We do not stop with the comparing of ourselves. we carry it around with us striving to try to be even a small percentage of that other person. We long to be accepted and let our fears and perceptions of ourselves hold us back. We hide our flaws behind make-up and clothing and emotions. because it is easier than to face them. We try to be someone else's "perfect". A great author once wrote "we carry perfectionism around as a shield to help us from being hurt but it is really stopping us from being seen." This is so sadly true! We work so hard to not be seen, or viewed in a way that covers the parts of us we wish to remain unseen. I believe make-up should be used to enhance our beauty, clothing should be worn to accentuate our best features and our emotions should reflect our true beauty from within. Accept your "flaws" and love them. Each one of us is unique, and sometimes those things about ourselves we dislike and try to escape from are actually what set us apart and make us beautiful individuals. 

4. Accept a compliment

• If there is anything I've learned through my struggles with loving myself it was the importance of truly accepting a compliment. This is a harder thing to do than you think. Yes, we may say "thank you" when someone tell us we look pretty, are beautiful, we have lovely eyes or they like our smile. But I'll put the truth out in the open, hit the problem on the nose, and say that most of us say these polite responses to the person while in our heads we roll our eyes or think to ourselves that "our smile slopes slightly, our hair is a mess, my outfit would look better if I could lose those 5 pounds or my smile may be pretty but you are all together beautiful".  Am I right? Start really listening to the words of encouragement and truth that others give you. Write them down if you have to. Repeat them in your head 100 times, if necessary. These are the things people see about you, the good things. these are the things that define you. Shocking, I know! So next time someone compliments you- accept it, please. embrace it. believe it.

5. Find the things you love about yourself

• My last piece of advice for all of you is to find the things you love about yourself. Write them on your mirror, put them on post-it notes. do something with them to remind yourself of them every time you look at yourself. Imagine what our self-esteem could be like if we focused on these things instead of focusing on the negatives. Make your list and remind yourself of those things next time you find yourself walking past a mirror, comparing yourself or worrying about what others may think when they see you.

I stand in front of the mirror. my worst enemy. But this time I don't list the negatives I see. Instead I smile and find the things I've learned to love about the person staring back at me. I urge you to do the same. to put down the microscope, magnifying glass and the binoculars that we use to focus in on the "flaws" we contain and look at the whole you- the perfect you that others see- the true you. Become comfortable in your skin and own the you today, not the you you wish you could be, have been or never will be. Believe that you are  the most beautiful you!

{intentionally living}

i'm going to start to live intentionally. it sounds like a huge undertaking but i feel like it is the right thing for me right now.

as i've been traveling and learning over this year of rotations i've realized i have been given so many amazing things. i continue to be blessed no matter where i go or with whom i meet. i have come to this decision to live intentionally not because i am not in the upmost way grateful for these things, but to give back- to share with others the joy, love, support, hospitality, encouragement and so many other things that i have been given.

i want my life and my future to not only be about myself, but about those around me, who have influenced me, dried my tears, lifted me up, made me laugh. i want to share these things with those people who have been vital parts of what defines who i am. but i do not want to stop with those people. i want who i am to give to all the people i encounter. i want my life to be lived for others. i want to find joy and fulfillment in sharing my joy. i want to overflow to those around me to be filled again.

i want to live intentionally, aware of those around me- opening my eyes to truly seeing them-  to see their needs, their worries, their doubts, fears & regrets. i want to see their pure beauty, but also who they long to be. i want to make people feel encouraged in who they are, praised even in their flaws, empowered and supported in their desires. i want the people around me to feel special, not lacking, and loved unconditionally.

i want my life to not only be about myself and my desires- thanking the Lord for the numerous blessing i have been given along the way- i want my life to be about the people in it. i want it to be about showing people what love looks like as i continue to learn this along my journey.

i do not want my praises to be the words i write or say at the end of my day any longer- i want them to be life-giving. i want my praises to be acts. giving what i have been given because it is too good not to be shared.

so, i intend to start giving- intentionally. sharing, praying and loving those who have done the same for me and those who may just be entering the scene. i intend to start to live with a purpose, to use my giving heart, to give to those who deserve it, to share with those that need it. to find ways to relinquish thanks for what i have been given and receive even more in abundance.

#intentionallyliving

{Des Moines}

Des Moines is the capital city of Iowa.

Des Moines is the address found on my drivers license, which i know does not match my Minnesota license plates.

Des Moines pronounced "duh moin... Like coin" not dez moy-nez as I sometimes like to say jokingly, whose true meaning is still a mystery. 

At the heart of Des Moines is Drake University, known for the Drake Relays, where I put countless hours into studying, stressing and attending classes to finally become the pharmacist I could only have dreamed about a couple years back. 

Des Moines is where I bought my first home, Franny, and where I've learned the hard lessons of what it means to truly be a homeowner & landlord. Where I've learned to be a plumber, a handyman and other tricks of the trade. 

Des Moines is a culturally diverse city where the ethnicities, sprititualities and languages of it's people collectively define the rich beauty of the city.

Des Moines is the place where I learned who I am and to be comfortable in my own skin- encouraged to be myself and blessed in the ways I am made perfectly to be me. 

Des Moines is the place I call home, where I have a family, that may not be blood relative but they are the most loving, supportive family anyone could ever ask for. 

Des Moines is where I grew to love to run, and learned to listen to my body's limits. Feeling healthy, whole and content. 

Des Moines is the place where I really met Jesus and found a community of people that have lifted me up in prayer as I've traveled the peaks and valleys of life. 

Des Moines is where I've learned to ask for help and given up my outrageous expectations of myself and began to truly "live" my life. 

Des Moines is where I first learned about my heart for travel, for other nations and other people. It is where I've left to experience and become exposed to the beauty in the brokenness around the world.

Des Moines is where I've shared countless meals around numerous tables with people I love, who are near and dear to my heart. It is the place I've shared laughter and tears with these same people, sometime at the same time. 

Des Moines is the place where part of my heart will always be. It is the place I will always call my home and carry with me, as part of this season of life, wherever my journey may take me next. 

Des Moines is part of my story, part of who I am, and part who I wish to be.

{divine arrangements}

I've been home from India for 6 days now. I've talked for hours about my experiences and answered countless questions about how my trip was. And each time I talk about it the more I feel grateful for such an amazing life giving experience. For those brief moments I feel like I could close my eyes and be back in my room, #124.

My time in India was not always easy. There were countless days that I wished I could have been anywhere but there. I dread admitting my selfishness in that and I wish that wasn't true but it is. However, I know that my struggles and frustrations were primitive and critical for me to be able to lose my expectations and fully embrace circumstances and experience India to the fullest. 

Being in India taught me so much about myself; about the person I am created to be, the person I am and who I choose to be. It also gave me a new prospective on the happenings of life. 

I believed that my going to India was not something of chance. It was something I prayed and thought long and hard over. I even made lists being the type A person that I am, trying to decipher if I was supposed to go. But when it all came down to it I knew I was meant to go.

Like many things in my life I've simply known- had a sure bet or gut feeling that I was doing exactly what I was meant to do or was opening the correct door. I had the feeling when I first walked on Drake University's campus or when I knew I wanted to become a pharmacist. I knew I was meant to go to India.

I now like to call these moments or happenings "divine arrangements". 

After learning about arranged marriages and a particular one of a close friend, I couldn't help but think how divinely it was arranged. Being an American, my first thoughts about arranged marriages were "forced" and "lacking the power of choice". My perspective has changed. Now, I wouldn't say at this point I'd want to sign up for my parent to find me a suitor but I've realized that any and all marriages, in one way or another, have been arranged... divinely arranged. 

The more I thought about arrangements the more I began to see how so many aspects of our lives are arranged. And I started to see the divine arrangements of my life unfold before me.

So many parts of my life have been so eloquently arranged. And when I say eloquently I do not mean without their challenges. It has been a bumpy ride at times. But I now can see and appreciate that even through the journey of life how perfectly things have been arranged in the midst of our messes. 

I honestly believe my time in india was divinely arranged- that I was meant to learn from my experience, to find a greater purpose in life, to grow, to learn to love and to build strong friendships. India taught me more about the power of arrangements. It has given me a new found appreciation for the many divine arrangements I have been given.

I am truly grateful for friendships and people that I have happened upon on the winding road of life. For those that have changed my heart, walked with me through the thick of life and have filled my heart with so much love. My "divine arrangements", the people and the places, have changed me, molded me into who I am today. India has taught me everything happens for a reason, and opened my eyes to the divinely arrangements of life around me.

For some people that perfect job, person, opportunity, trip, etc is placed in our laps, handed to us by the universe. And we do not even realize how these happenings in life are so divinely arranged.

{friday fives}

friday 5's

1. Taj Mahal. what can I say about seeing one of the 7 wonders of the world. It was amazing. Even after seeing the mini version it still amazes me that it was built over 400 years ago by hand taking 22 years. The details were breathtaking. 

Taj Mahal with the bestie

2. Breakfast. We had breakfast at our hotel in Delhi while there traveling this past weekend. We had waffles, omelets, toast with jelly and nutella, fresh fruit, cereal and yogurt... and yes I at everything but cereal. My stomach was so uncomfortably full but it was SO worth it. I was in heaven. 

3. 100 rupees. This past weekend during our touring of the tourist sights in Agra (where the Taj Mahal is located) I charged someone 100 rupees to take a picture with me. Since everyone kept asking me or taking my picture without asking I finally was fed up and decided that I was going to charge people, like any other professional photographer was charging at all the sites. Surprisingly one of the men pulled out a 100rupees (aka $1.70is) and gave it to me. It was hilarious and awesome.

with my 100 rupees

4. Movie nights. This past week a bunch of us girls have all crammed into my room twice to watch movies. It has been fun to bond with my team and do something besides sit in my room at night.

5. Sunset. Tonight most of us girls walked to the temple at the edge of campus that sits upon a hill right around sunset. I am typically running as the sun goes down and I can only see the pretty colors in the sky so I put it on my list of things to do before we leave to go to the temple. There were some clouds above the mountain in the distance so we didn't officially see the last bit of sun as it went below the mountain, but it was still stunning. It is beautiful here. Sitting at the temple looking over Loni tonight I realized how much I am going to miss this place and all the beauty it holds. I am so thankful for all the great memories I will take with me and the pieces of me that I will be leaving behind.

 

so thankful for another amazing week in India. I hope you all had a great week as well!