"become a river not a reservoir. be a part of the movement."

{the ultimate gift}

it is fall. that time of year again where my nerves are always on high along with my emotions and my head hurts at least every other day... it's that time for school again. i go through the same freak out routine every year as i get used to the new workload and everything else that is changing in my life. this year has been the same on many levels but on others different. this year is going to be different.

last year was a huge struggle for me. starting pharmacy school (aka grad school) and a job in a pharmacy as well as other extracurricular activities my life was crazy. after a month in i was ready to be done. i was depressed and hated my life. i had no time for me, no time for the people around me or the ones i really loved. i felt disconnected and discouraged. and it was all because i was trying to do it all perfectly. i was striving for the best... and i was coming up short, very short. i was sinking fast. it was a rough first semester.

but things began to change. i realized i was struggling because i was trying to do everything myself. i was trying to prove that i could succeed in life. after trying, failing, picking myself up, trying again and failing again. until i finally wasn't able to pick myself up again. i had hit rock bottom. it was then i realized i left Jesus on my nightstand. i left Him in my bible. i didn't take him with me throughout my day. instead i carried the weight of everything with me, everywhere. i needed freedom and i needed love. i not only had left Jesus but i had left the most important people around me as well, the people i needed to fill me up, love me and support me.

but the good news in this sad story is that when you hit bottom there is no where else to go but up. and even better is that even though i left Jesus behind, He never left me.

He never left me!

my life slowly began to make a turn for the better. key word slowly. it was still a rough year but i slowly began to shed the weight of everything i was carrying. i began to learn what freedom meant for me and what it looked like. my heart was being transformed from all the lies it has started to believe about myself and my life. i started to claim my identity as a daughter. a loved one. i still struggled with feeling loved and trying to earn it and i still do today but i began to realize how much pressure i was putting on myself for no reason.

the amazing thing is that Jesus uses our failures to make us strong. He provides even in our darkest moments. He doesn't care that i failed. that i left Him on the nightstand. that i doubted His abilities. He was there last year through it all.

so this fall is different. this fall i'm receiving the ultimate gift. the gift of forgiveness, of acceptance even in my failures. i'm not going to say my life is perfect yet, i have a long way to go and every once in awhile i feel myself sinking again. but this time, this year is different. this year i am aware of Jesus around me and where He is providing for me. this year my heart is changing. i am moving forward. i'm learning to take time for me. and time to be with the people in my life that matter the most. the ones that reminded me of how loved i am.

this fall i'm accepting my failures. because Jesus uses failures, he doesn't use quitters. and i'm not quitting yet. there is so much goodness to come. this year i can tell is going to be different, i'm declaring it.